woke up from a nice four-hour nap. feeling all thoughtful and shit. ;-)

one of my bio lab CAs did this little getting-to-know-you round with everyone in my section yesterday by asking our name, major, year, and what our greatest weakness is. i said mine was cheesecake. i mean, honestly, do you think someone is going to share their more serious weaknesses with a class of mere acquaintances who are naming foods and sleep as theirs? our weaknesses are something we tend to try to mask. besides, i have so many i wouldn't even know where to start.

there's always been a particular weakness of mine that i hate. i've been thinking about it recently because it's definitely not helping my current state of having a million things to do without failing out of school. okay, i know i won't fail, but i've been performing much below my capability. i'm so disappointed in myself these days, but all i do when i'm feeling down about it is dredge up various justifications (read excuses) so i can at least function on a "healthy" state of mind. i'm really just a coward. as the responsibilities and commitments and work pile up, the urge to hide from them increases in proportion. to be truthful, that urge wins out much too often. as the stakes rise, the more i disappoint--very logical, christina. when i think about all i have to do, i just want to escape, but i know my issues are not going to settle themselves. this is probably why i used to read so often; it was a convenient form of escapism. i didn't want to deal with real life and would rather read about and live someone else's. who am i kidding? that's still what i want to do. the more important i think something is, the longer i want to put it off because i'm so worried i'll screw it up. once again this is quite logically unsound--my brain knows that the more time i spend, the smaller the chance that i will mess things up. i'm constantly asking myself, "what's the point? it's going to suck in the end anyway." i've lost a lot of confidence in my own abilities these days. always so scared...scared of failure, scared of disappointment, scared of disapproval--i piss myself off. being pessimistic is not very conducive to accomplishing...well, anything.

oh, and if someone could get me headphones to use with my computer for my birthday, i'll be extremely thankful. there are only so many alternating arguments and cute-gushy-sweetness-babytalk that i can take before going crazy or puking. i have a great roommate and all, but this not-quite-two-room-double is definitely not a two-room-double in terms of hearing her and her bf on the other side.

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“It’s not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.” ~Ashleigh Brilliant
amen.