i stood in for michelle tonight at an intended massage workshop put on by the A3C for graduate students. "oh, all you have to do is give the workshop leader the payment form at 6:00! it'll be simple!"

sure, in theory it should have been simple...but not quite. :) all these grad students came in (quite punctually), and i introduced myself as "the a3c grad student programming director's friend." what a mouthful. so 6:00 comes. no workshop leader.

i stall. "i'm sure he's just running a bit late...why don't we introduce ourselves?" yes, i told all these graduate students to introduce themselves like freshmen. we almost broke out the name game too. (white dude seemed really into the idea.) anyway, i ended up being the annoying figurehead organizer who tried to entertain about 30 graduate students and said every 15 minutes that it would be only another 15 minutes more. finally, i gave in, popped in a video, and attempted to just sit and look pretty.

what struck me, though, was how almost all the participants were so...sociable. in a manner that seemed as if they don't often get the opportunity to meet people otherwise. grad student life seems rather isolating to me. most people are so focused and driven, perhaps many don't feel the need to meet others even in their own building. but the ones who were there tonight were incredibly friendly and chatted up anyone and everyone. (well, it was a massage workshop ;)

then again, we're all pretty isolated. [insert island imagery] stanford freshman dorm programming forces us to socialize; left to our own devices, we probably wouldn't have talked to half the people we did that year. most of us want to make those connections, but are too afraid. or too apathetic. maybe we have exactly as many connections as we want.

yet as much as i joke about being asocial or going through hermit-like phases, i cannot imagine what it would be like to be a complete loner, to not have any significant friendships or relationships with others. how utterly alone you would be. sometimes we get those moods in which we feel no one is there for us, no one can understand us, but in the back of our mind, we know there are people who care of us. thank you for caring. and know that i truly care about you. well, some of you. ;) i only hope you know who you are.

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had a wonderful talk with bea the other night. it's been too long, fellow nudie roomie. :D i miss bea. i love how happy she is with eric too. i've half-way decided to "find" myself someone who will want to be with me and care for me as much as eric does for bea. the only thing preventing me from fully committing to the decision is the difficulty of accomplishing it. =P

i first need to kick that bad habit i seem to have for wanting to be with guys who don't want to be with me. and not wanting to be with guys who do. how viciously stupid. but hey, if michelle can break her pattern, i can too! someday. ah, the vagueness. :)

wow, this was long. sorry. it probably wasn't worth your time if you seriously read it all, but sometimes i just want to write for the hell of it. good night.

[edit] oh yeah. NO MORE SHIT LEFTOVERS. remember that, christina.

* * *
"Transatlanticism" -Death Cab for Cutie

the atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how:
the clouds above opened up and let it out

i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere when the water
filled every hole
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean, making islands
where no island should go
oh, no

those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
have been silenced forever more
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh, no

i need you so much closer...
so come on, come on...