i had a lovely weekend home for mother's day. :) i love my Mommy. she's the shit. of course, i would never tell her that in those exact words because she would get mad at me. or regard me in utter bewilderment: "hah!? lay wah ngo hay cee?" [oh man, that was such bad cantonese romanization.] she has told multiple people that my best present to her was spending about half an hour cutting off her white hairs. and they wonder why i'm so odd. :)

AND some other big news for the weekend is that i now have a car again! thanks to Craig for helping me!!! [yes, that definitely deserved three exclamation marks.] a nice used v6 solara with leather interior, moonroof, a radio with speakers that work on both sides of the car, and a cd player. i have never had one in my car before...exotic.

extra necessary thanks:
thanks to LiMin for being a loser with me. thanks to Howard for the ride home that made mother's day possible. thanks to Brandon for making the egg portion of our mother's day breakfast. thanks to Deb for being Deb and not minding that i had forgotten to give her present to her for two months straight. thanks to Jen for eats, shoots & leaves: the zero tolerance approach to punctuation (so excited!!!) and being completely nerdy with me at half-price books. and thanks to the Olsen Twins for making me feel absolutely poor and gauche. it's sad to know that one of mary kate's toes is worth more than all of me.

-
i need something new; must explore new territory; should break out of old, bad, unhealthy patterns.

no more retreads. no more wallowing in this deep, dark rut - wait, it's not even a rut since it hasn't gone anywhere. i'm getting out of this hole. bring it on.

...or on second thought, i'll go back to the comfort and safety of the hole sometimes while tentatively venturing out every now and then? what if the hole really does break out somewhere down the line and i just need to persevere to reach it? the imagined promise still holds me fast.

i'm so weak.

* * *
"Push and Pull" -Nikka Costa

mr. nothing's got a lot
he's got a lot to say
he's good at being what he's not
and gives nothing away
another day goes on by
and he never speaks his heart
he takes his chance with what he's got
it's too late now to stop

you push and you pull and struggle with the knot
it's tying you up while you're fadin'
you give and you take and take what you got
'round and 'round 'til it breaks and
you push and you pull and struggle with the knot
it's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie

mr. nothing is late
he's running out of time
he questions whether chance or fate will ever show a sign
looks to the sky above
for a glimpse of what it means
and never never never make
make no sense to him

you push and you pull and struggle with the knot
it's tying you up while you're fadin'
you give and you take and take what you got
'round and 'round 'til it breaks and
you push and you pull and struggle with the knot
it's tying you up while you're fadin' into your lie

you push and you pull it...