i dreamed of you today. it was the first dream of you in which we all knew you were gone--but you weren't. we made plans to visit china and you talked to travel agents and we found the village we came from. i never let anyone touch you in my dream...you were a ghost and i was afraid if anyone tried, you would leave.

in the end, when we were walking by the river with our family laughing behind us, i took your arm, and it was so warm and solid. you were with us the whole time, but i told you, "i've missed you." then you cried with me.

you left as tears fell when i woke. i miss you so much. 11.1.99.