what a wonderful weekend. =) it was nice to just leave it all behind for a couple days, feel the sisterhood, squish my toes in wet sand, talk, and laugh, and EAT. an hour away can feel like a world away sometimes. i'm glad i had my sisters to share with. you all constantly amaze me.

michelle, judy, and roz called me "cute" this week, all on separate occasions. i am slightly disconcerted. "cute" is definitely something i've never aspired to be. maybe it's only because that word has a little-girly-keke-giggling-cuddly connotation for me--and i never really think of myself as cuddly, am tall for an asian girl, and most certainly do not "kekeke" giggle. besides, sometimes i have biting sarcasm, don't i? [just let me continue to delude myself if you don't think i do.] ah well, i can never be "hot" (by my definition), so cute's the best i can do on good days. besides, that word can mean different things to different people. i can take it. haha.

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i love it when something has been put in perspective, and you can just be at peace with it. perhaps there will always be a few lingering questions, tiny glimmers of hope or a delicate wistfulness, but you've overcome the hill of insecurity and complete emotional entanglement.

sometimes that leaves me worrying about whether i've merely become numb. even big girls want to feel.

one of the most horrible things i can imagine is having a dead heart.

...i wonder what you're thinking these days.

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analogy of the night: in the aim buddy list of life, every now and then you need to go through your buddies and clear out the ones you don't talk to and the ones you just don't need anymore. the problem comes about when you keep temporarily adding a former buddy to check profiles when you shouldn't care anymore. habit is difficult to break; some people are difficult to forget, no matter how hard you try. and everything seems so much sadder and full of regrets when it feels like you've truly, finally reached the end.

okay, either that or i'm the biggest aim whore you will ever meet. by the way, i simply cannot resist anymore--i must post the full lyrics of "grey street" now. it's been stuck in my head forever. geez.

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"Grey Street" ~Dave Matthews Band, from Busted Stuff

oh, look at how she listens
she says nothing of what she thinks
she just goes stumbling through her memories
staring out onto grey street
but she thinks, "hey,
how did i come to this?
i dreamed myself a thousand times around the world
but i can't get out of this place"

there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
but all the colors mix together to grey
and it breaks her heart

how she wishes it was different.
she prays to god most every night
and though she swears he doesn't listen
there's still a hope in her he might
she says, "i pray
but they fall on deaf ears
am i supposed to take it on myself
to get out of this place?"

there's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
it feels like cold blue ice in her heart
when all the colors mix together to grey
and it breaks her heart

there's a stranger, speaks outside her door
says, "take what you can from your dream
make them as real as anything
oh, with it, take the work out of the courage"
and she says, "please, there's a crazy man
he's creeping outside my door
i live on the corner of grey street and the end of the world"

there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
it's more like cold blue ice in her heart
she feels like kicking out all the windows
and setting fire to this life
it could change everything about her
using colors, bold and bright,
but all the colors mix together to grey
and it breaks her heart