i think i'm pms-ing. i get all pensive and shit...thus the spike in blog frequency. john mayer may have inadvertantly written a great pms song. except for the saving grace part.

do you ever wonder why you do such stupid things?
i wonder about you too.
kidding. i really meant me =) i hate it when i'm stupid. i hate it a lot then. boo.

inertia's a bitch.

do you ever find it so much simpler to just curl up and let the slowly constant stream of time push you along? i get so frightened to open up from my isolating ball to reach out and move with my own will sometimes, even when i know my course is headed for many tiny disasters. i've lost my drive.

and sometimes Thoughts run through your mind, twisting your nerves and invisible heartstrings into tangled knots; you think that if you let them out, they might stop bothering you. yet you refuse to release them because those Thoughts would become tangible. you feel somewhere in your paranoid soul that others will see them and warp them--point and whisper--and the wound the Thoughts gushed out of would be much too vulnerable. so the Thoughts stay where they are and fester and muddle you from the inside instead.

i'll get over it.

* * *
"Not Myself" ~John Mayer

suppose i said
i am on my best behavior
and there are times
i lose my worried mind

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

suppose i said
colors change for no good reason
and words will go
from poetry to prose

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

and i, in time, will come around
i always do for you

suppose i said
you're my saving grace