some people view life as a competition that you must win. others feel you should lead a selfless life--no need to be the best, the awards will be a part of the journey itself.

i don't know what i think anymore. i'm constantly telling myself, "stop thinking about life as a competition. just live it and do what you can." in some ways, i feel like society supports this viewpoint, in the countless self-help books and articles on the market and in the media...yet we live in a capitalistic, materialistic world that admires ambition which seems implicitly selfish.

the voice inside me that used to scream, "be the best! win! you're better than this!" has become a background murmer. i placate it by telling it that it's wrong. that i don't need to be the best anymore--because so much of me simply believes everything is impractical and impossible now.

sometimes i wonder what i'm doing with my life. sometimes i think i'm slowly dawdling down the wrong path. sometimes i question how anyone can be sure of anything--and suspect those who believe they are sure have merely convinced themselves of this. i can't seem to convince myself of anything anymore. my perspective may be too wide, but i can only be certain that nothing is certain. and what can you accomplish with that thought?

sorry to ramble. i don't know how to live my life anymore--i just know i can't continue living it in this manner. perhaps i need a new philosophy for life and a strong willpower to go along with it.

* * *
"Good Morning Baby" -Dan Wilson & Bic Runga

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
between an overload of information
and a striving for a pure dedication i
find myself looking for the exit sign
see your pretty face in the sunshine
in the morning after staying up all night i
want to wake you just to hear you tell me it's all right
and all i want to be is too much sometimes for me

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day
good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day

see the stars and all the planets
fly the great wide world and have it all
yeah, better get a ticket, better get in line
i'm praying now for beautiful weather
take a car and drive forever but i'm
only ever sitting at the traffic light
and all the world to see is too much sometimes for me

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day
good morning baby i hope we're gonna make it through another day

(and when you rise)
and when you rise you'll find me here
(open your eyes)
and see myself reflected there
(and for awhile)
a little room becomes an everywhere

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
between an overload of information
and a striving for a pure dedication i
find myself looking for the exit sign

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day
good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day