had a great time chilling with di, mar, and howard today--good times, great conversation. prediction: howard's next poem will involve a line about an "uphill battle." my phrase! =P

looking back on things is...odd sometimes, especially putting things in perspective with elementary, junior, and high school. we've really grown up, and i'm not sure that's such a wonderful thing. yes, i am fully aware there is much more growing up to do, but just a couple years can change so much.

remembering things that used to hurt so much only cause a slight wistfulness or an ironic slant now; everything really does heal with time. perhaps they can't heal completely, but old hurts scab up--and eventually they disappear or leave a scar. after maturity, the only way to grow is through scar tissue, huh?

our old dreams seem so ideal and foolish now. sometimes i wonder what the point of all that ambition was--on the most primal level, we're here to grow to maturity and then reproduce and ensure the survival of our genes. that's it.

then why does life become so very complicated?

it's difficult to differentiate between what you truly want and what society or culture or others make you want. that weird amalgam of your own desires and "needs" derived from exterior sources forms you in all its excess, superficiality, or inflated meaning.

and i know i continuously reassure people of that mythical "someday" when they'll meet those someones they like who will like them equally in non-platonic ways and circumstances and timing will actually work out--but sometimes you want to know exactly when that "someday" is. just to be sure it exists.

* * *
i worry
the only things that last forever
are what-ifs

"Winter" -Tori Amos

snow can wait, i forgot my mittens
wipe my nose, get my new boots on
i get a little warm in my heart when i think of winter
i put my hand in my father's glove

i run off where the drifts get deeper
sleeping beauty trips me with a frown
i hear a voice, "you must learn to stand up
for yourself 'cause i can't always be around"

he says when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?
'cause things are gonna change so fast
all the white horses are still in bed
i tell you that i'll always want you near
you say that things change, my dear

boys get discovered as winter melts
flowers competing for the sun
years go by and i'm here still waiting
withering where some snowman was
mirror, mirror, where's the crystal palace?
but i only can see myself
skating around the truth who i am
but i know, dad, the ice is getting thin

when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?
'cause things are gonna change so fast
all the white horses are still in bed
i tell you that i'll always want you near
you say that things change, my dear

hair is grey and the fires are burning
so many dreams on the shelf
you say i wanted you to be proud of me
i always wanted that myself

when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?
'cause things are gonna change so fast
all the white horses have gone ahead
i tell you that i'll always want you near
you say that things change, my dear

never change

all the white horses