i was randomly googling some vienna teng lyrics when i came across a livejournal entry about being the Meantime Girl. some parts of that log truly resonated with me. [if you don't want to read her whole entry, i included a some highlights.]

What's a Meantime Girl?
She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable -- she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

...She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

i don't know about you, but i've felt like the Meantime Girl every now and then. it's pretty sobering. you see nice guys in relationships with the bitchiest, most exploitative females, and you have to wonder "how the hell does she deserve such devotion?" because there you are, undemandingly with mr. can't-commit or mr. no-one-needs-to-know-about-this. maybe it's the male equivalent of nice girls going for the bad boys...nice guys going for the bad bitches.

i'm not even going to attempt to dissect my lovelife or lack thereof--i have plenty of friends who try to do so already--but life's unfair. life is suffering. that's how you know you're alive. so you take what you can get, settle for the minimum of what you want/need/would like/can deal with at the time--and sometimes you're the Meantime Girl to some well-meaning but blind doofus who later looks back and realizes he fucked up with that not-quite-"real"-woman. too late. maybe his Meantime Girl has become someone's Forever Girl or maybe she's also written him off as her Meantime Guy or maybe his stupidity finally killed his appeal to her. c'est la vie. que sera sera. [insert other profound french phrases.]

i only hope Meantime Girls will die out as males grow up. of course, we all know male mental maturation is an iffy affair--not guaranteed to happen, and if it does, it's a damn slow process.

* * *
"The Tower" -Vienna Teng

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says, i need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
i need not to need
i've always been the tower
but now i feel like i'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety?
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me?
where is the one?
the one
the one