i am in love with verde. looking back on my college experience, i've just had so many great conversations in that one little tea cafe. to be honest, it's not even the ideal setting for talking since the plasma screen tv is usually blasting chinese pop and other asian people are "talking" (read: shouting) to each other at the same table while playing indian poker for over an hour. (which leads to another tangent involving the entertainment value of slapping cards on your forehead over and over again...) it's not the big events in life but those unassuming talks over the din of verde-ness with people i care about that i treasure most. in one sitting, we could cover everything from relationships to our purpose in life to our favorite cereal while lingering over a pearl milk tea or two (or three with some thick toast or tea egg thrown in too). thank you to everyone who has ever shared one of those conversations with me. :)

as the days, weeks, months, and years go on, i find myself becoming more and more cynical. i'm struck by the sheer pointlessness of so many things. yes, i know this is "not the way to think." yes, i know that i should try to be more positive. i'm not saying i've become a complete pessimist...it's only that each disappointment stays with you at least a little bit, and then they begin to weigh so heavily. for some reason, it feels better to be able to say you predicted this next disappointment rather than have false hope. baseless optimism seems so foolish to me. definitely no pangloss following here.

actually, maybe i can't say that i've become pessimistic. somehow i try to...just not have any expectations at all. i suppose that's my form of bravado--did something unfortunate happen? well, it's not as if i were expecting anything better or worse. sadly, i am human with a fully active imagination; every sort of scenario runs through my head at one point or another anyway. so even if i say i wasn't expecting the best, a part of me still gets colder with every disappointment.

and yet that foolish part of me will always hope for some pleasant surprise.

-
icky feeling again. i suspect i'm too fucking sensitive or some shit. i like phrasing it that way :) at least i don't show it to most people, right? because maybe i am wrong. i just don't trust much of anything yet.

i hope i don't really know how this story will go.

* * *
"Cannonball" -Damien Rice

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know