it's been a very kdphi sort of time. lambda class installs--thanks so much to everyone who came. y'all are awesome and our lambda girls are even more amazing ;) i did a lot of pillow-making. felt is more difficult to cut than you'd expect. those sticky letters don't stick well to body pillow covers though. as i was transporting the two body pillows (read: hugging pillows as big as my body together as i walk with highly restricted sight), the A fell off the pillow...and down my dress. at least it was recovered. my littles are super wonderful and cute :)

speaking of littles, i helped out at a barrio assistance halloween event. making trick-or-treat bags can be rather complicated. and i had forgotten what a zoo 20 elementary school kids can create. one minute, you have college students industriously cutting bags; the next, kids storm in and start yelling and banging and stomping and laughing. they bring in so much life though. and i do believe i helped maria make the most beautiful trick-or-treat bag ;)

i think i've been sleeping way more than is normal. i had a dream the other night that i threw up. it was sort of disturbing. then i realized i had drooled on my arm. hm.

i've been having to pee really often too. and when i have to go nowadays, it's not the former ooh-gotta-go-but-i-can-hold-it-a-bit feeling, but an oh-shit-i-HAVE-TO-GO urgency. my bladder's shrinking or dying or something. how troublesome. on my Worst Road Rage Ever Day, i was stuck on central expressway for over half an hour, unable to move forward or backward due to an accident two blocks away. and i really had to pee. it was a very rare sort of desperation. at times, i contemplated leaving my car unattended and going at the side of the road--except there was only sidewalk and a wall and yes, i am female. then i wondered if it would truly be all that bad to pee in my pants (well, skirt)...things were getting crazy. finally, i got out of that snarl and practically ran into taco bell to ask about their bathroom. around back, i noticed that i had to go back in to get a token to enter the said bathroom. christina was unhappy. unhappy christinas consume a whole nachos bell grande and taco. ah well.

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i like logic. i like common sense. but have you ever had that weakness that always makes you...well, completely stupid? this feeling of deja vu is unavoidable. i've seen this before. i've experienced this before. did i learn before? evidently not. i can't figure it out. my brain is rather unreliable when it comes to certain things.

it's easy to trust intentions, but what truthfully hurts are actions. people don't mean to do or fail to do things, but shit happens. intentions obviously do not translate directly to actions, you know? otherwise, many of us would be much better people. yet if you can't trust a person's actions, you cannot truly trust the whole person. then whom can you ever trust?

sometimes i feel so easily left behind. not by true friends or sisters, but by people less important, i suppose. it's still not a nice feeling.

* * *
"Falling is like this" -Ani DiFranco

you give me that look that's like laughing
with liquid in your mouth
like you're choosing between choking
and spitting it all out
like you're trying to fight gravity
on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this

feels like reckless driving when we're talking
it's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
but no one's going to sympathize when we crash
they'll say, "you hit what you head for, you get what you ask"
and we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

i'm sorry i can't help you, i cannot keep you safe
i'm sorry i can't help myself, so don't look at me that way
we can't fight gravity on a planet that insists
that love is like falling
and falling is like this.