i like to think of the world as my unofficial pen exchange program. i repeatedly misplace my crappy pens. i'm sure a few people may pick up my crappy pens and use them (or throw them away), so i take other people's misplaced crappy pens. it works.

remember those years back in junior high or high school when everyone had those cool jelly pens in all sorts of different sparkly, glittery, ridiculous colors? i guess it just shows my progression from having a bag of pretty pens to carrying around free kaplan pencils and pens i pick up from lounges. whether this is actually progression or regression...well, let's not analyze too deeply.

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i went to another talk by donnavan last night: "why i want what i can't have," which was basically about relationships. donnavan's just so fun. i wouldn't say his talks neccesarily even have concrete goals...but he's always entertaining, and talking about things we dwell on day after day with people with new perspectives can be refreshing. i have to agree with him that there isn't really a "magic" involved in successful relationships...just the magic of timing and then a whole lot of work. that initial "spark" of attraction or fascination or lust or infatuation cannot last. if it lasted forever, we'd soon stop noticing its existence anyway. "fireworks that last forever are just lights." similar to how the first bite of an apple seems to taste the best...yet the rest of the apple should logically taste exactly the same.

so when the magic stops or dies down, that's when you decide whether you commit or not. keeping one foot in the door and one foot out may seem smart in keeping your options open, but then where are you? you're standing in a doorway, looking stupid. and what's to stop someone else from entering ahead of you or having your "option" walk out on you? you can't win without commitment.

sure, we're young, have fun, there's nothing wrong with that. just be careful not to become addicted only to the "fun"--eventually most people grow to want more and the ones left with whom to have fun at that age will be few, far between, and probably diseased.

the young fun, hooking up, playing the field without an aim life seems so shallow to me. it's all surface sensation that feels great at the time, but when it's over, what do you have left? an insubstantial lingering haze and empty air. tangibility is not overrated. it would be nice to have someone to hold who holds you back.

...which brings us back to timing as the beginning to it all. and the good type is something i seem to fully lack.

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feeling a lot of damien rice. =P

* * *
"Volcano" -Damien Rice

don't hold yourself like that, you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back, that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

what i am to you is not real
what i am to you, you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i’ll ask for the sea

don't throw yourself like that in front of me
i kissed your mouth, your back, is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

what i am to you is not real
what i am to you, you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i’ll ask for
what i give to you is just what i’m going through
this is nothing new, no, no, just another phase of finding
what i really need is what makes me bleed
but like a new disease, lord, she’s still too young to treat
what i am to you...
volcanoes melt you down...
she’s still too young...
i kissed your mouth...
you do not need...