had a great outing with the family to san francisco with cousin tom today. tapas at andalu, night market at chinatown, and dessert at equinox room. i ate so much that i'm still full :)

i realized i really am a cheap date. i feel the effects of one drink (okay, if it has a significant amount of alcohol), don't mind cheap food at all (mmm..."our place" with bea), and will pay for myself if i can without too much resistance.

so i read somewhere that for our generation, dating is a lot more confusing because of blurring gender roles. i can understand that. men used to know what was expected of them--they knew they had to court women, pay for things, buy gifts, whatever. women knew they were supposed to be courted and shouldn't be "easy" if they wanted to get married. but these days, a guy doesn't know whether a girl will get pissed if he tries to pay or doesn't try to pay, and a girl has to decide not only when a first kiss is allowed but whether she'll allow sex too. all very complicated, making the rules up as we go. everyone's just feeling in the dark and hoping to grab a boob or something.

i'm rather torn about it all. on one hand, i would like to be independent and strive for more equality of the sexes, but on the other, who doesn't like a free dinner? i guess i suggest paying for myself and back down upon insistence...but bringing it up can be so awkward sometimes.

it's difficult trying to be independent when so much of what you've seen on tv or in the movies or read in books or heard on the radio depicts "romantic" as "old-fashioned" too. you know, all that chivalrous stuff. you can't help being affected: "ooh well he would do this if he really liked me..." i can open doors by myself since i have at least one functioning hand, but guys are supposed to do that for girls if they're polite. i love getting flowers, but i have absolutely no logical reason why. yeah, they're pretty and smell lovely, but so standard that the guy probably picked them up from safeway 10 minutes before and they'll rot in the vase after a couple days and cause a disgusting stench.

they don't last, probably don't have much meaning behind them, and are not practical. i know all this. but alas, where are my flowers? haha.

* * *
"Volcano" -Damien Rice

don't hold yourself like that
you'll hurt your knees
i kissed your mouth and back
but that's all i need
don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you, you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for the sea

don't throw yourself like that
in front of me
i kissed your mouth, your back
is that all you need?
don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down
what i am to you is not real
what i am to you, you do not need
what i am to you is not what you mean to me
you give me miles and miles of mountains
and i'll ask for what i give to you
is just what i'm going through
this is nothing new
no, no, just another phase of finding what i really need
is what makes me bleed
but like a new disease, lord, she's still too young to treat
volcanoes melt me down
she's still too young
i kissed your mouth
you do not need me