i went to the library the other day and borrowed a lot of fat books.

verde has another branch in fremont on warm springs blvd now. the tea is just as yum.

amanda went shopping with me, showed me the "secret entrance," and wore me down after a couple hours. i bought a cute dress for $20.

having an old friend say some ironic lyrics reminded him of me is amusing.

it's the little things in life :)

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you know that whole bit about love being a butterfly, letting go, and if it was meant to be, it'll come back? what a graceful, eloquent image.

except i think it's all logic and common sense. maybe i'll discount the "meant to be" part because i don't quite believe that fate controls everything, but the rest...

who would want to keep others trapped, not knowing if they want to be there? correction, who would do that if they had any sense of self-worth or compassion?

i think love is a type of captivity. sounds horrible because captivity has such a negative connotation, but true in its own way. you're held captive because you care; there are ties that bind you to others. imprisonment is all subjective. if you're lucky, you get to choose your own captivity.

forcing another to your desires and holding them captive because you don't trust them or want to impose your will upon them--that's oppressive, selfish, and tyrannical, and i don't understand how any true pleasure would be obtained from that unless you were highly insecure or sadistic.

meh. i suppose i'm still of the mindset that things should happen fairly naturally, both should choose to be together--mutual captivity. ideally. or something.

there i go blabbing on again. i was just thinking about how i never force people to do things they don't want to do [except my siblings maybe ;], but what if it's also apathy, defense, or passivity? maybe i just don't try. i don't think i ever feel safe enough to do that anymore anyway.

* * *
"Rainy Day" -Guster

i will dig a hole
save my pennies for a rainy day
i will dig a hole
savin' pennies for a rainy day
i'm not scared

i will build a wall
sensing trouble from a mile away
i will build a wall
saw it comin' from a mile away
i'm not scared
i'm not scared

try wearin' your insides out
i don't even try
i know i have seen the best i'll have
i don't even try

i will just play dumb
i won't hear a single word that's said
i will bite my tongue
never sing another song again
i'm not scared
i'm not scared

try wearing my insides out
i don't even try
i know i have seen the best i'll have
i don't even try
now they want to take my chances
i don't even try

clouds are comin'
air gets heavy
looks like trouble on a rainy day
sun starts sinking
can't see my shadow
looks like trouble on a rainy day
holes uncovered
walls will crumble
all spells trouble on a rainy day