i stumbled upon an old blog tonight. i miss the old me.

sometimes it becomes difficult to realize what you can hold onto. it would be nice to embrace something more comforting, but it's so difficult to let go. who knows if you will be caught?

-
in the eye of a storm
no one can see
save me

* * *
i'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

when you cried, i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream, i'd fight away all of your fears
and i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

i tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
and though you're still with me
i've been alone all along

kinkiness. the sexual kind. i don't exactly know what i think about it. hey, we should do what turns us on, right? so if that includes dominance/submission, pretending to be a slut, role-playing, and other assorted activities (i'm not going to list all that come to mind for your pleasure, sickos), as long as all participating parties know it's just for sexual pleasure, that should be okay. many think the sexual realm is separate, mainly fantasy, and shouldn't affect how we view our world.

the liberal part of me agrees with the above, but on another intellectual level, don't those different practices reflect upon the world? sex is everywhere. the man who has a thing for a dominant partner may have parental issues; the woman who enjoys submission may be prey to problematic ingrained gender roles. and it's not that large of a leap to think that the woman who enjoys playing the slut really is a slut, with the according impacts that reputation may have on her professional and public life.

but what really gets my goat (what a funny saying...not many people have goats anymore) is when completely heterosexual women pretend to be bisexual for the sexual pleasure of a guy. you know, kissing another girl, feeling her up on the dance floor, whatever. they don't enjoy the actual act themselves, but are doing it for attention. i find that completely wrong on principle. why are you catering to this guy who doesn't care about your desires or sexual orientation? pfft. stupid. i like guys too much and wouldn't compromise myself like that. although i do like making my desired guy happy in other ways ;) okay, now i'm just getting gross.


i'm not satisfied with myself. yes, you should be comfortable in your own skin, confident, and if you're not, then get the hell up and fix it, right? it's not that simple for some reason.

sure, i've become more comfortable about certain aspects of myself - socially, physically, mentally in a way - but the part that is lacking seems to retard the rest of my progress. it's like a figurative linus' blanket that drags and gathers flies without providing any of the security. i'm just horribly good at hiding it.

* * *
"In my Place" -Coldplay

in my place, in my place
were lines that i couldn't change
i was lost, oh yeah
and i was lost, i was lost
crossed lines i shouldn't have crossed
i was lost, oh yeah

yeah, how long must you wait for it?
yeah, how long must you pay for it?
yeah, how long must you wait for it?

i was scared, i was scared
tired and underprepared
but i wait for it

if you go, if you go
leave me down here on my own
then i'll wait for you

yeah, how long must you wait for it?
yeah, how long must you pay for it?
yeah, how long must you wait for it?

(sing it) please, please, please
come back and sing to me
to me, me

come on and sing it out, now, now
come on and sing it out, to me, me
come back and sing it

in my place, in my place
were lines that i couldn't change
and i was lost