our women's conference was today! i'm so proud of our chapter and all the work we put in to make this happen--especially p-ro, who was slaving away for months but seemed composed enough for at least three of us. =) although there were some logistical hitches, our workshops went really well and aya was just incredible. y'all missed out if you didn't see aya de leon perform or attend her writing workshop. i was so inspired after working with her...haven't felt that comfortable with writing and sharing in a very long time. our keynote speaker, dr. malini alles, was incredible in demonstrating what you can accomplish if you're determined and never give up--that woman is amazing. yay for female empowerment! we can be feminists while remaining feminine, without being militant =) our conference was really about self-discovery and learning to accept yourself as a woman, as a minority, and as yourself, no matter what shape or form.

~
quick writes from prompts in aya's workshop:

who i am is...
below the surface of the Things I Do that occupy my time
a stream of noise and busy-ness
to conceal my fears and insecurities from you
and from myself.
i am confidence in the little things, insecurity in the things that count.
i am a frozen river that rushes beneath
where no one cares to delve -
touch me and freeze.
i am more than i let you see.
i am young and yearning;
old and cynical -
i am unresolved, irresolute
contradictory
but not hypocritical to myself.

my body tells me...
it yearns for another body's touch sometimes
despite the restraints placed upon it by society or myself.
my body wishes
i would accept it as me,
not an objectified third-person entity,
someonething
growing changing and maturing as i allow
and expect
my mind to.
my body tells me not to cut off a part of me in order to criticize and weigh and value-
"i love my fingers but my thighs where the fat lingers?
shave it off!"
don't wish for moldable fat -
it goes where it will
accept it unless its movement is worth
money / blood / pain.
my body tells me to listen to it.

i used to dream...
i could be anything i wanted to be
life was an endless room of unlocked doors in every direction
which ones shall i keep open?
but time moves on
doors disappear
and the few that i see
left open
divide me inside.
when i was smaller
i thought if i put my fingers together just one more time
maybe time would stop
and i would be more special than you.
i used to dream life was a slide -
i'm going down and growing old
but it's all one great ride
all i needed was gravity
and i never imagined obstacles.
i used to dream
everything would be wonderful.

i just feel...
run-down, run-over, run-under...squished. so tired. my eyelids have permanent weights attached to them.

happy late bdays to tim and david. d&b's was fun. i've realized it's an ideal date destination because it has:
1.) games - you can act like children and be distracted in case the conversation isn't scintillating
2.) pool - you can check out each other's asses...and males can try to look down the female's shirt
3.) alcohol - we know what that's for

i'm sure i had more thoughts in my head, but i think they also got tired, laid down, and then died.

on the drive to d&b's, i heard santana's new song featuring dido. good stuff. have always loved dido's voice. and the lyrics aren't as stupid as the previous song with michelle branch. well, at least there aren't any lines about candy stores.

* * *
"Feels like Fire" ~Carlos Santana ft. Dido

i'm telling you it's over
now there's an angel
holding me
my way's easy
even if you're fallen
oh you're struggling
there's still beauty
in what we do

so que sera
let's go sailing on
there's a wise man
in every fool

i say come back
come in from the cold
into the warm
i feel like fire
guiding you back home
as darkness falls

so everyone stands in line
'cause they wanna stay alive
to wait alone
no dog, no bone
and then you find it's over
still it tears your heart
to slip away
from the crowd

but if you have what it takes
to return to where all the world
knows your name
then que sera
let's go sailing on
there's a wise man
in every fool

i say come back
come in from the cold
into the warm
i feel like fire
guiding you back home
as darkness falls

i say come home
leave it all behind
and settle down
i feel my love
can give me what i want
for all time...

what a wonderful weekend. =) it was nice to just leave it all behind for a couple days, feel the sisterhood, squish my toes in wet sand, talk, and laugh, and EAT. an hour away can feel like a world away sometimes. i'm glad i had my sisters to share with. you all constantly amaze me.

michelle, judy, and roz called me "cute" this week, all on separate occasions. i am slightly disconcerted. "cute" is definitely something i've never aspired to be. maybe it's only because that word has a little-girly-keke-giggling-cuddly connotation for me--and i never really think of myself as cuddly, am tall for an asian girl, and most certainly do not "kekeke" giggle. besides, sometimes i have biting sarcasm, don't i? [just let me continue to delude myself if you don't think i do.] ah well, i can never be "hot" (by my definition), so cute's the best i can do on good days. besides, that word can mean different things to different people. i can take it. haha.

---
i love it when something has been put in perspective, and you can just be at peace with it. perhaps there will always be a few lingering questions, tiny glimmers of hope or a delicate wistfulness, but you've overcome the hill of insecurity and complete emotional entanglement.

sometimes that leaves me worrying about whether i've merely become numb. even big girls want to feel.

one of the most horrible things i can imagine is having a dead heart.

...i wonder what you're thinking these days.

---
analogy of the night: in the aim buddy list of life, every now and then you need to go through your buddies and clear out the ones you don't talk to and the ones you just don't need anymore. the problem comes about when you keep temporarily adding a former buddy to check profiles when you shouldn't care anymore. habit is difficult to break; some people are difficult to forget, no matter how hard you try. and everything seems so much sadder and full of regrets when it feels like you've truly, finally reached the end.

okay, either that or i'm the biggest aim whore you will ever meet. by the way, i simply cannot resist anymore--i must post the full lyrics of "grey street" now. it's been stuck in my head forever. geez.

* * *
"Grey Street" ~Dave Matthews Band, from Busted Stuff

oh, look at how she listens
she says nothing of what she thinks
she just goes stumbling through her memories
staring out onto grey street
but she thinks, "hey,
how did i come to this?
i dreamed myself a thousand times around the world
but i can't get out of this place"

there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
but all the colors mix together to grey
and it breaks her heart

how she wishes it was different.
she prays to god most every night
and though she swears he doesn't listen
there's still a hope in her he might
she says, "i pray
but they fall on deaf ears
am i supposed to take it on myself
to get out of this place?"

there's a loneliness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
it feels like cold blue ice in her heart
when all the colors mix together to grey
and it breaks her heart

there's a stranger, speaks outside her door
says, "take what you can from your dream
make them as real as anything
oh, with it, take the work out of the courage"
and she says, "please, there's a crazy man
he's creeping outside my door
i live on the corner of grey street and the end of the world"

there's an emptiness inside her
and she'd do anything to fill it in
and though it's red blood bleeding from her now
it's more like cold blue ice in her heart
she feels like kicking out all the windows
and setting fire to this life
it could change everything about her
using colors, bold and bright,
but all the colors mix together to grey
and it breaks her heart