there is always some part of goodbye that makes it sad. obviously if you love someone, you never want to say goodbye.

yet even if you wanted to say it before, even if you know it's for the best, even if you think you dislike the people leaving or they repulse you...
it's difficult to let go.

maybe it's only that change is tough. the future could always be worse, and you were becoming accustomed to the past...

but i think a goodbye is intrinsically sad. it's the end. it's loss. it's shutting the door behind you so that you can never go back to fix things or have everything the same. it means remembering something later and knowing that it can never happen quite that way again--good or bad.

so each goodbye makes me mourn at least a little inside. goodbye.

then you suck it up, keep on living, and meet some more people you will say goodbye to someday.

* * *
"The Other Side" -David Gray

meet me on the other side
meet me on the other side
i'll see you on the other side
see you on the other side

honey, now if i'm honest
i still don't know what love is
another mirage folds into the haze of time recalled
and now the floodgates cannot hold
all my sorrow, all my rage
a tear that falls on every page

meet me on the other side
meet me on the other side

maybe i oughta mention
was never my intention
to harm you or your kin
are you so scared to look within?
the ghosts are crawling on our skin
we may race and we may run
we'll not undo what has been done
or change the moment when it's gone

meet me on the other side
meet me on the other side
i'll see you on the other side
i'll see you on the other side

i know it would be outrageous
to come on all courageous
and offer you my hand
to pull you up onto dry land
when all i got is sinking sand
the trick ain't worth the time it buys
i'm sick of hearing my own lies
and love's a raven when it flies

meet me on the other side
meet me on the other side
i'll see you on the other side

honey, now if i'm honest
i still don't know what love is

the most innocuous things can make you remember...

the passport agency building and the dim sum place across the street are bittersweet. a little chinese boy with his dad eating hot dogs at costco almost made me cry.

i wish there were more that could remind me.

* * *
it's not too near for me
like a flower, i need the rain
though it's not clear to me
every season has its change
and i will see you
when the sun comes out again

i think i can already tell...
it's not going to be worth the effort.

driving back from home today, i realized i've been feeling the absence of stability--something i need but don't want. or maybe it's the other way around. in any case, it would probably ground me. it's difficult to focus when you're floating around with no anchor.

perhaps that's what people are searching for when they look for a relationship...stability, to be sure of someone. then what's all that crap about "the chase" or "the challenge"? our capitalistic mindset telling us that we need to work for something in order for it to be happy and if it comes too easily, we shouldn't trust it?

so many of us are drawn to drama and volatility like moths to flames (and i'm not necessarily talking about this in the romantic sense). it will be the end of us, but ooh, it's warm and look at the pretty colors!
this doesn't mean we're innocent of it ourselves though; we're human too. everyone's entitled to change their minds and be moody. it goes both ways.

i have this weird mental image of humans as jellyfish in the sea. we're all floating around, reaching out for each other at times and retracting at others--a mass of confused limbs our brains aren't even sure how to control. sometimes we think we want to grasp another jellyfish's tentacle, but it's moved away or we change our minds or maybe every now and then we make a connection, but who can trust the motives on either end? maybe we're only feeling horny or lonely or don't want to hold on that long after all.

i'm a jellyfish who strives for a strong, equal connection. yes, a bit idealistic, but it's not wrong to want something mutual, right? give and take...don't you feel guilty when you feel you're taking more and feel stupid when you feel like you're giving more? i do.

too much babbling...but that's what happens when i drive around in a car with no functioning radio. no song today because of my uncooperative car. happy, timmy? =P