in vancouver for a week. don't wait up.

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got back from santa cruz today after stan's birthday bbq chill thing. good times. sand volleyball is fun. i'm not very good with a frisbee. weather was horrible--bay area hot as hell yet the beach was foggier than london. opportunity to break out the bikini foiled again.

went to take a shower when i came home and found WAY too much sand...in WAY too many places. plus i burned my back--weird ass tanlines now. sigh. people aren't lying when they say you can still burn on a cloudy day. boo!

* * *
i'm worse at what i do best
and for this gift i feel blessed
our little group has always been
and always will until the end

hello, how low?

these days i don't know what to do with myself, much less with you.

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surprisingly, my tolerance isn't so horrible when i'm well-rested and have a full stomach. go figure.

conflict sucks--inner or outer. but i suppose it makes life less boring. i wonder whether we would purposefully incite conflict if it didn't come naturally...it's like angst. we hate feeling it, but we seem to do everything in our power to give it a reason to exist. angst gives you that little tweak inside your chest--not so comfortable, but you'd worry if you never felt it. or maybe that's just me. seems to me that angst is great when it's not your own.

the lovely bones by alice sebold was a great book. very moving. made me cry. shut up. it's okay when books make me cry...if "armageddon" made you cry, then that's another story. harry potter and the order of the phoenix was...long-awaited. i liked that it was about 900 pages. yeah, i'm a geek. haha. taking bart almost every day was pretty interesting too...saw many passengers with that very same book. it's nice to have a unifying media outlet that doesn't involve reality television. don't we get enough reality every day in our own lives? what's with this whole voyeuristic nation? oh well, not like i'm innocent either, even though exploitation makes me feel dirty. bah.

* * *
and there ain't nothing like regret
to remind you you're alive

i think i've become slightly lactose intolerant. this makes me incredibly sad. bah.

i always loved milk, even as a child. plain, with cookies, colored pink from fruity pebbles...all good. plus i thought it was super cool how i could drink chocolate milk in a bowl after eating cocoa pebbles or cocoa puffs even if my mom didn't buy us any chocolate syrup. yes, outsmarted the mother!

but alas, i must settle for milk only in moderation now. moderation sucks. it's so difficult to maintain...all that second-guessing and checking and consciousness.

excess is simple. excess is black or white. excess is luxury. we should all have a day of excess: sleep as late as we want, not move if we don't want to, buy whatever we wish on a whim, binge-drink, eat everything deep-fried and sugary, have lots of sex, whatever.

unfortunately, the happy holiday after will be the day of misery, returns, hangovers, fat, regret, and possibly STDs.

boo! why must everything come back and kick us in the ass? i guess it might be that thing called "consequence". psh. though i suppose that's one thing soap operas teach us: our deep, dark secret from 20 years prior will come back and destroy our happy, ignorant marriage. or something like that.

however, i would not try looking much deeper into soap operas--otherwise we would learn that babies can age 15 years in one week when the ratings are low, you can be easily replaced by other bad actors, you shouldn't worry when you're about to die because you'll come back to life during sweeps week, and you're not allowed to have a happy life until you're at least 70 years old and ugly.

* * *
nobody on the road
nobody on the beach
i feel it in the air
the summer's out of reach

"You're not bitter, you're cynically hopeful."

so says the wire-picture-holder-thing that cher gave me for my birthday. i think it's pretty accurate. i'm not saying i'm completely free of bitterness, but i still enjoy the occasional "chick flick" and have some amusingly ridiculous daydreams. yet in general, i feel more of an emotionally detached...realism about life. it's not negative or positive--i just keep on reminding myself that most people have qualities both redeeming and disappointing. everyone's human.

as i get older, i get more apathetic about reminders. i would rather be with the friends and family i can now be relatively sure of, and perhaps work on one or two side projects of meeting and getting to know new people. the novelty and process of discovering someone else's personality and history, unraveling their mystery, should not be underestimated. people are fascinating; they just take so much work. and one of the saddest points is when you've discovered as much about a person as you ever wished. i don't think you can ever know every single thing about someone else, but you can know enough to not want to know anymore. that deadend is almost unbearably disappointing.

not everyone's a deadend though. see, i'm not so cynical. =)

* * *
"Break Your Heart" -Natalie Merchant

oh, people downcast in despair
see the disillusion everywhere
hoping that their luck will change
it's a little harder every day

people struggle, people fight
for the simple pleasures in their lives
the trouble comes from everywhere
it's a little more than you can bear

i know that it will hurt
i know that it will break your heart, the way things are
and the way they've been
and the way they've always been

people shallow, self-absorbed
see the push and shove for their rewards
with nothing nice on their minds
you can read about it in their eyes

people ruthless, people cruel
the damage that some people do
full of hatred, full of pride
it's enough to make you lose your mind

i know that it will hurt
i know that it will break your heart, the way things are
and the way they've been
yeah, i know that it will hurt
i know that it will hurt
i know that it will break your heart, the way things are
and the way they've been

don't spread the discontent, don't spread the lies
don't make the same mistakes with your own life
you know it will always come back

yeah, i know that it will hurt
i know that it will hurt
i know that it will break your heart
the way things are and the way they've been

don't spread the discontent, don't spread the lies
don't make the same mistakes with your own life
and don't disrespect yourself, don't lose your pride
and don't think everybody is gonna choose your side