okay, enough introspective melodrama from me. at least for another entry. =D

it's been an interesting week. well...busy at least. it was jane's birthday earlier today [okay, technically yesterday] so yay for that! yummy dinner at hunan homes with a bunch of the girls...and allen. haha. always have to have that token male. we kdphi can definitely clear those plates. sweet. and my fortune cookie read, "if you think you can, you can." why bother asking for advice when all you need is fortune cookie wisdom? plus you get crunchy goodness.

i'm too tired to retype my trials and tribulations of the day (which included a vicious fire hydrant and irritating mariachi music), so you can just read about it on my xanga if you give a shit.

so rush has been going on. i'm really proud of all the work we've put in--you all continually amaze me. it's difficult to tell people about something you can only experience...but all we can do is try. and the alum talk--wow, so inspiring. hope the rushees weren't too bored, but we actives were loving every moment. =) does graduating mean i automatically get to be as cool as them? haha.

i should sleep. long day ahead. should probably go to bed while i can still say goodnight to the moon.

bitterness. it's so ugly...but i can't seem to work it out of my system. "forgive and forget," they say...easier said than done, my friend.

naturally, spite follows. spite is such an illogical, petty emotion. "this really won't affect you or hurt you in any way...but i'm doing it for the principle of the matter." yet can i really call it a principle if it's motivated by animosity?

i wish i could just let some things go--pick out the dark impurities and leave them behind--but i'm far too human. i hate being vulnerable. i hate feeling truly foolish. i hate being so wrong. it stains the heart and triggers defenses. it's been a long time--everything is very over--the hurt pride and trust have merely mutated into black sediment that i want to clean out someday.

never have i been as weak. i don't think i ever will be again.

easier said than done.

general feeling of disgust. bah.

i wonder what it would be like if you could make emotions tangible and they each looked a certain way...so if you put them in a clear glass jar, you could see them. i always thought it would look misty and cloudy and colorful--like magic. today's jar would be sort of dark and a little tarry i think. gross.

a little anecdote for you:
last night i wrote a xanga entry about this mormon guide to self-control in overcoming masturbation that i found on the internet because i found it sort of amusing. [once again, nothing against mormon's...aborn's cool! =) ] one of the ways to control yourself is "...When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell 'Stop!' to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind. Then recite a portion of the Bible or sing a hymn."

so this morning, i wake up for my 10 am class while bea's still sleeping. i'm blearily walking across the room in a half-awake stupor to put on my sandals when suddenly she yells, "STOP!" good lord, fucking freaked me out. control yourself, woman! i'm not THAT hot in the mornings =D

the end.

not really. so i was going to the bathroom today when it struck me that living in a dorm with the bathroom down the hall is really inconvenient for me. okay, so first i have to admit that i don't exactly...completely...often...wear pants in my room. underwear, sure, but pants can be so confining to sit in all the time. well, my point is that i find it ridiculous that i have to put on my pants just to go to the bathroom where i have to take them off again anyway. boo.

* * *
"Big Yellow Taxi" -Joni Mitchell

they paved paradise and put up a parking lot
with a pink hotel, a boutique, and a swinging hot spot
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

they took all the trees and put 'em in a tree museum
and then they charged all the people twenty-five bucks just to see 'em
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

hey farmer, farmer, put away your DDT now
give me spots on my apples but leave me the birds and the bees please
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

late last night i heard the screen door slam
and a big yellow taxi carried off my old man
don't it always seem to go
that you don't know what you've got till it's gone?
they paved paradise and put up a parking lot

lose an hour tonight for daylight savings. it'll just balance the hour we gained way back when...that's life. never really end up ahead or behind--just somewhere no one cares about anyway.

everyone's losing something these days. loss is miserable. loss is depressing. sometimes it's necessary...but any which way, it hurts. it leaves emptiness and darkness and void. and you never know quite what to say. wouldn't it be nice to have magic words that would make everything all right again? if i knew them, i'd use them a hundred times for you.

you know what's not fun? being in a sober buzz. it's sort of depressing in and of itself. it makes me wish i had someone to talk to right now.

i should go visit tomorrow--even though we lost you. i'll visit a memory.