i was randomly googling some vienna teng lyrics when i came across a livejournal entry about being the Meantime Girl. some parts of that log truly resonated with me. [if you don't want to read her whole entry, i included a some highlights.]

What's a Meantime Girl?
She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable -- she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

...She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

i don't know about you, but i've felt like the Meantime Girl every now and then. it's pretty sobering. you see nice guys in relationships with the bitchiest, most exploitative females, and you have to wonder "how the hell does she deserve such devotion?" because there you are, undemandingly with mr. can't-commit or mr. no-one-needs-to-know-about-this. maybe it's the male equivalent of nice girls going for the bad boys...nice guys going for the bad bitches.

i'm not even going to attempt to dissect my lovelife or lack thereof--i have plenty of friends who try to do so already--but life's unfair. life is suffering. that's how you know you're alive. so you take what you can get, settle for the minimum of what you want/need/would like/can deal with at the time--and sometimes you're the Meantime Girl to some well-meaning but blind doofus who later looks back and realizes he fucked up with that not-quite-"real"-woman. too late. maybe his Meantime Girl has become someone's Forever Girl or maybe she's also written him off as her Meantime Guy or maybe his stupidity finally killed his appeal to her. c'est la vie. que sera sera. [insert other profound french phrases.]

i only hope Meantime Girls will die out as males grow up. of course, we all know male mental maturation is an iffy affair--not guaranteed to happen, and if it does, it's a damn slow process.

* * *
"The Tower" -Vienna Teng

the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says, i need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
i need not to need
i've always been the tower
but now i feel like i'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety?
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me?
where is the one?
the one
the one

mother's day was nice. =) my little brother is learning...he bought my mom a ring! when i was his age, i thought scrambling eggs and making some toast for my mom was impressive.

in any case, my mom is wonderful. she is the funniest, strongest, most beautiful woman i know. okay, so maybe she has fashion issues, but that's why she has daughters--to protect her from fashion mistakes. and you know, it feels good when my mom compliments me on my choice of clothing...but it makes me reconsider what i'm wearing. hahaha. i love you, mommy. =D

jo, that perm story is so disturbing. could have done without the pus.

and HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO PALOMA! i love my p-ro. i can't even put your bootyliciousness into words.

i also scored a 96% on the "How Bay Area Are You (the real one)" Quiz. wow. born and bred, baby. what about you?

thanks to jen for making me all SAPPY again by putting "time ago" in your profile. geez. ah, reminds me of high school and excess naivete. [sorry for complete randomness and incohesiveness of this entry. am scatter-brained. will someday pick up the pieces.]

* * *
"Time Ago" -Black Lab

i watch your window for hours
the moon has set down without us
all by ourselves
riding in the front seat, watch the sun come up
all by ourselves, we would run

remember? it was so long ago
remember, baby?
it was a long time ago

feel your hand close beside me
hear the highway behind me
all by ourselves
we made love under the sleeping moonless night
all by ourselves, we would run

remember? it was so long ago
remember, baby?
it was a long time ago

i couldn't stop you crying
stop myself from fighting back
i tried but never hard enough
don't you remember, love?

all by myself
i can see it like it's right before my eyes
all by myself
time goes by

remember? it was so long ago
remember, baby?
it was a long time ago

ah, another huge chinese banquet-style dinner. i waste so many hours of my life being a good chinese daughter at those things.

first of all, i totally forgot about dinner and hadn't finished my laundry. this meant wearing a black and blue flowered skirt that neither amanda nor i have worn since maybe sophomore year of high school with a tight pink top amanda grew out of. throw my mom's black cardigan over and you have one HOT CHRISPY. right.

secondly, you're being judged all the freaking time. and probably found wanting. must greet everyone, must serve everyone food in order of seniority, must not become minutely pudgy yet still eat healthily, must show i still have some vague grasp of the cantonese language, etc etc. hint: when in doubt about titles [i.e. between "auntie" or "granny"], go for the younger title. if she was expecting the "granny" and gets the "auntie", she'll just think you're being flattering and cute. aww.

third, small talk at these things is just plain painful. "wow, you're so old now! look at you! remember me?" "uhh...hi, auntie *mumble*!" yes, as if i remember you when i saw you last, with me at age 3. then they insincerely compliment you, saying, "you look so beautiful now!" or "i think you've gotten skinnier! that's good!" uh...thanks. i think they're implying i looked like a fat-assed babboon before. ah, good stuff.

oh, but i had my phone on vibrate in my purse that was sitting behind me during dinner...pleasant surprise when howard and digi called! ;-) sorry i couldn't chill with you, howie, and i seriously thought i heard "chad" instead of "ted"...

then i saw debbelah! we chatted and went over to timmy's to chill with some of the boys. animatrix was pretty depressing...but very creative and interesting. then the boys watched some porn together. and deb joined them. sickos. haha. okay, so at least they were laughing...but once again, i do not understand the whole male group bonding activity of watching porn together. i've mentioned it before, and i'm still baffled as to its purpose. please enlighten me if you can.

and a big THANK YOU to the awesome, sexy, amazing anthony for picking me up from the shop this morning. you rock. ladies, he's a hot, single, nice guy...i can hook it up! =D