friendship - one very important word. to all my true friends, thank you so much for coming into my life. you've been through thick and thin with me, and i am so incredibly grateful for all our laughter, goofiness, long talks, and time spent together doing absolutely nothing. i love you, and whenever i think about you, i smile (and maybe snicker a little).

to jo - i'm going to miss you so much! you've always been one of the best friends a girl could have--fun and caring without the bs. nine months...but you'll be having fun with the hot accented boys down under. take lots of pictures, send lots of letters (fine, emails will work too), and try to get online every now and then. i didn't want to hug you goodbye last night. be good, but at least a little naughty. =)

to someone else - i've finally made myself understand what friendship isn't. it isn't convenience, it isn't one-sided, it isn't hypocritical. after all the loops of history replaying between us, the principle behind why we have our lows surpasses whatever highs our friendship may have ever had. i do not appreciate being used as comfort and support when you're lonely, only to be discarded when that other thing comes back. hmm...haven't talked to him in a while. i wonder why. the reason is always the same...and i thought i was a quick learner; maybe i still am, except when it comes to you. i like being a good friend, but i do not like being a doormat or the overly forgiving safety net. you may never read this, or you may and be pissed off, but i don't give a shit either way. i need to vent and have something to remind myself in the future if i ever become stupid enough to want to sympathize with you again. i used to feel guilty about harboring bitterness, but after all we've been through, that is all that you have left me. bitter. "christina, you're my best friend here." i now realize why you never heard that returned from me. my subconsious recognized a lie when my mind didn't. i have never had someone i've valued as a friend treat me like this, and i hope never to again. it's a huge fucking waste of my time and loyalty. have a good life. i won't be in it.

sorry to rant. now that that's taken care of and tucked away behind me, it's time to make happier memories.

* * *
"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." -Anais Nin

quick little blog break.

one of those smartass anonymous people once said, "if at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." subconsciously, that's honestly been a tenet by which i have lived. who wants to face their failures? who would want to stir up the ashes of loss? not i.

yet today i came across a tiny scrap of forgotten yearning in my ratty bookbag. it's so simple to condition ourselves to destroy memories we grow to be ashamed of, memories of events that did not quite take us where we wanted to travel. i saw my words, and my first instinct urged me to crumple the paper and begin forgetting again--i actually felt this? what a loser. haha. but i forced myself to read my poem again, and though it was a first draft, jotted down in a minute or two at work, it evoked that crystal-clear Moment in my mind. it wasn't the happiest of times nor was it anywhere close to the most important, but i had felt--it reminded me i was alive.

as my life branches down unknown paths, some may be significant but many others will be ultimately fruitless, capped by failure and hurt. although it would be far better for our pride if we merely eradicated all trace of disappointment and pain, i've decided to try to resist this urge. one beautiful moment along a futile path may be worth the ache--and at least you can always learn and grow.

i want to lose myself - can you find me?

i am becoming such a dumbass. i've lost my blog TWICE by clicking the wrong button. i have a theory as to why i've become so absent-minded and klutzy these days, but this is neither the time nor place to talk about it. =)

so highlights: family time, slight fattening of my sadly malnourished wallet, epic super smash bros with the little brandino, and...

deb and jo came to stanford to visit! they are so hot. =) we did the girly thing and went shopping at valley fair...the three of us bought new dresses and michelle laughed at the havoc i created wherever i went (can we say walking disaster area?). car rides provided time for girl talk. they laughed at my continued obsession with the overplayed "your body is a wonderland". it's sexy, okay?? pimped out deb and jo to play ddr at tcs night market too. they're good AND they're cute! it was amusing watching deb play though--she was wearing a long denim skirt and had to hold it up when she was playing. there was a slit up the back already too...mwaha ;-)

the rest of tcs night market went well. we sold out of green tea ice cream at the kdphi booth and i did a couple henna tattoos of chinese characters at the ucaa table. doug's the expert though. i had him do my chinese name on the inside of my arm. sweet! kelly attempted to write a character on the side of the hip, messed up, tried to wash it off, only to make it look like i got a rash. ambert: "or someone gave you a hickey on your hip!" thanks. we only got the cheapass henna so it washed off pretty quickly anyway.

oh, it's confirmed that burbank's screw your roommate dance will be next week...in our dining hall. classy! i just hope the smell of burgers and pizza will dissipate by then. =) oh well, at least i'll have a sexy dress to wear. very happy with my purchase. good stuff.

* * *
"Two Points for Honesty" ~Guster

if that's all that you will be
you'll be a waste of time
you've dreamed a thousand dreams
none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that
nobody cares at all

i want to be where i've never been before
i want to be there and then i'd understand
know i'm right and doing it right
could i get to be like that?
how to know what i don't know
nothing more to gain

will i get better or stay the same?
i find i always move too slowly
can't lift a finger
can't change my mind
i never knew till someone told me that

if that's all that you will be
you'll be a waste of time
you've dreamed a thousand dreams
none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that
nobody cares at all

and all the people who've seen it all before
and all the people who already understand
know they're right and done it right
could i get to be like that?
i don't know and i don't know
it's harder everyday

can't lift a finger
can't hurt a fly
i find i always move too slowly
one thing's for certain
i'm insecure
i never knew till someone told me that

if that's all that you will be
you'll be a waste of time
you've dreamed a thousand dreams
none seem to stick in your mind
two points for honesty
it must make you sad to know that
nobody cares at all
nobody cares at all
they never cared at all