i should probably be packing and running errands right now instead of blogging...but oh well. i'm going to lounge around for a little while =) it felt sinfully nice to be able to just lie in bed this morning...mmm. although i was annoyed by two calls that i climbed all the way down from my bed to pick up, but i didn't make it in time so the machine picked up and no one left a message >=| how utterly annoying. so when i went back to bed and my alarm started ringing, i pressed the button and said, "hello?" hahaha...i must have thought it was a speakerphone or something...god finals week makes me insane....i'm still recovering. and once again, bobbi was in to hear me try to answer my alarm. she probably gets more and more freaked out each day...haha.

so i finally got my ass out of bed to shower and when i come back, i wipe my glasses clean and put them on, but i was all confused because everything was reallyreally blurry. then i realized i had just put on my contacts too. i am so s-m-r-t.

ooh, last night i met mimi's ben and saw all my pledge sisters again! YAY! i missed those girls =) had our laughs until i left them to their studies because i was the only one of us done with finals >=) then i went to chill at xanadu and drank a *teensy* bit...bleh, i don't really like alcohol. oh, but the pesto, terriyaki chicken, and sun-dried tomato pizza from pizza chicago is gooood *mmm*

and it was raining last night! i like the rain though, when i don't have to go anywhere in it in a hurry. it's nice to stroll in the rain, hearing the water drip and make everything glisten...a lovely silver-black night. everything smells so clean and fresh afterward too =)

AAAAAAH....i am done. such a nice feeling of relief *whew* i had maybe an hour's worth of sleep last night, but i think i did fine on the chem final...i sort of like doing all those mechanisms and syntheses when they work out correctly (at least i hope they were correct =P) we shall see =) so i finish my final, went to lunch, then went to bed until michelle and i went to dinner, which is just ridiculous because i ate again when i was seriously not hungry yet. i mean, really, how can you get hungry in five hours when all you've done is sleep?

ooh ooh, dining hall food story! so i got mashed potatoes with gravy and corn and this pie thing for dinner tonight since i knew i couldn't eat that much, but what was really gross was that when i took a bite of mashed potatoes, i felt a distinct *crunch*. ewwww...my friend suggested that maybe they just hadn't cooked it all the way through, but potatoes don't normally crunch in the first place unless you fry them! and then michelle thought it might have been a bug...thanks. so that incident curbed my appetite somewhat =P insects are rather full of protein, but that's still ew. i'm too used to thinking of insects and bugs as creepy-crawly things that you don't even want to touch, much less eat. in some places in mexico though, they serve chocolate-covered ants in movie theaters just like popcorn. i always found that to be interesting =)

and i just need to say that the whole finals experience is horribly unhealthy. well, maybe it's only unhealthy when you do it my way, but my way seems to be fairly common: pretend to study until a couple nights or the day/night before the final, when you suddenly attempt to cram a whole quarter's worth of knowledge into your brain at once. it's f-ed up my body to no small degree =P now all i want to do is sleep during the day because that's when i'm tired, but no! i shouldn't! so i'm going to find some way to stay up until at least midnight. okay, maybe 11 if i'm weak. but i must get back to a schedule that somewhat resembles the socially accepted norm because it just makes life a whole lot easier when you aren't sleeping during regular mealtimes. meals are so important to me while i'm at school because there's such a small window here to actually get food from the dining halls. if you miss it, then you're stuck buying food, and we know how stingy i am =P like i said the other day, the first thought i had when i woke up that morning was that i was upset that i had missed dinner, not that i could have missed my final...haha. i'm so messed up sometimes.

oh, and to add to my dorkiness quotient, my cursor is now a little green turtle. yes, i downloaded a turtle cursor last night on my study break. *sigh* but either that or my newly downloaded weatherbug is messing with my computer because it's contantly freezing and being belligerent these days. i even uninstalled icq cuz i thought that was the problem at first...but it's not like i ever used icq much anyway.

i'm so excited about going home!

* * *
what you don't have you don't need it now
what you don't know you can feel it somehow
what you don't have you don't need it now
don't need it now...
was a beautiful day

my, it's early/late. it's always so annoying how it could be either depending on your perspective. makes things so ambiguous. i'm not in a pro-ambiguity mood right now...must be all the studying so far. i've decided to take a break from chem for a couple minutes to blog because i need to give my brain a little time to absorb the knowledge i've tried to soak it in. then i'm going to dump it in the pool again and pray that there was some space left. alas, my brain can only retain so much from one night's of studying. i don't even know what i'm writing anymore...nothing seems to make much sense =P i really should stop this cramming habit. i'll never learn anything in the long-term this way. my head's all a-jumble and my thoughts are cloudy-gray. i think this indicates i either need caffeine or sleep. i'm not really big on caffeine actually, so i'll just have to suffer. it's okay, i'll have the whole afternoon tomorrow to make up for my lack of sleep tonight since david won't be able to drive me home until friday afternoon. i just might be able to make it home at a decent time if his boss isn't around...that lazy cousin of mine will cut out as soon as possible ;-)

i'm so excited about going home...it'll be absolutely delicious =) family and friends and no schoolwork looming overhead. although i still have all my christmas shopping to do, besides the possibility of working part-time while i'm on break. poo. i feel sort of bad that i can't go home tomorrow/today (thursday) since i already have plans to go out friday night and saturday night. i want to spend time with my family =\ i think i owe brandon another movie =) i'm in a very emoticon mood right now...probably because i don't want to use too much of my brain and these smileys are sufficient for getting my emotions across =)

ooh, i took a nap this afternoon for an hour or two and actually remembered my dream because it was so amusing. i woke up giggling, but realized that bobbi was in and i'd seem odd just giggling in bed for no reason, so i tried to stifle it...but it came out sounding like a whine of pain instead. sorry bobbi, you have a really odd roommate =)

* * *
this is my december
these are my snow-covered dreams
this is me pretending
this is all I need

yesterday was extreme hardcore studying for me, man. incredible...hours and hours of straight bio studying with eric. i actually felt like i knew my ish too ;-) didn't get to bed until maybe 5:30 am and i ended up waking up at 7:30. i looked at my clock and thought, "what?! 7:30?! did i miss dinner too?" haha..i was extremely confused.

as for the final this morning...eh, we shall either see how hard i kicked the test's butt or how far my foot missed the butt. i actually felt like i knew what i was doing most of the time though and i didn't have the urge to fall asleep during the test at all =D that actually-utilizing-your-brain feeling is pretty nice. of course, if my final grade turns out to be worse than crap, then i'm going to hate myself and never trust that thinking feeling again.

and now i'm giving myself an hour break and then it's time to study chem =P oh! and happy birthday, dylan!

HAHAHA...omg, stan just sent me cantonese rap! i have never heard that before... hehehe... wow, thanks, stan! this is like...amazing. it's LMF's "1127" and LMF stands for lazy motherfuckers! hahaha...i am infinitely amused. hahaha...

you know you're tired when you fall off your bike without crashing into anything beforehand. my my, i just astound myself sometimes ;-) so i took my first final...but it was chinese so it doesn't really count. i think i did fairly well for only one night's of studying a whole quarter's worth of vocabulary and grammar. forgot a couple characters here and there...but overall i did okay, i hope *crossing fingers*. now comes the double whammy: bio and chem. oooh boy. can't wait. let the real panic-driven, hardcore cramming fun begin!

michelle: i just need a grope-buddy
michelle: a guy who i can touch
michelle: and nothing else
chrispy ha: we shoudl start a service for that
chrispy ha: like an escort service
chrispy ha: but not
chrispy ha: a groping service
michelle: HAHAHHAHAHAH
michelle: omg, we'd make soooo much money
michelle: esp at stanford
michelle: $15/hr :-)
chrispy ha: psh i'd pay
michelle: dood.. u and i would b free
michelle: we'd OWN them
michelle: we'd b pimps
chrispy ha: hahaha
chrispy ha: can i get a long jacket with fur and a cane?
michelle: haahahahha
michelle: yeeeeahh
michelle: and a hat
michelle: and gold chains
michelle: omg... thatd b quite a business venture
michelle: we'd pay our way through stanford
chrispy ha: yeah baby..no stripping for us
michelle: if we extended to other school
chrispy ha: we'd just pimp the guys

the things finals week make us think...

lantana (lan-´tä-na) n. a genus of tropical shrub with small, colorful blooms that hides a dense, thorny undergrowth.

"The lantana bush, on its surface, is a lovely plant, filled with exotic flowers. Beneath this beauty, however, hides a thick, thorny growth. The lantana serves as a central symbol in Ray Lawrence's new film, an ominous, beguiling psychological drama that is a labyrinth of love, sex and deceit."

hey, lantana is the name of my dorm! yes, on the surface, my dormitory is lovely and exotic, but beneath this beauty and superficial peacefulness (read "lack of social interaction") lies a thick, thorny growth of scandal, sex, deceit, love, and more sex! and it all happens in my room!

okay, not really. my room is rather boring since my roommate is never in; if i'm in, i'm either sleeping or at my computer or studying or doing nothing. maybe i should work on that and bring lantana room 110 up to its symbolic potential *wiggling eyebrow* mwahaha

i want to cook something and have it come out delicious. i want to create something great--on any scale. maybe a really good biscuit or a sketch or smoothie or painting or piece of writing. unfortunately all those great things require time and a lot of work...no shortcuts to greatness. poo.

i also really love my family. maybe it took me over a year in college to realize this, but at least i know now. my relationship with them has changed so much over these past couple of years. i look back just a little into the past and think, "my god, how was i so selfish? why couldn't i just check that temper?" i'm still not the perfect daughter and sister, but i feel like i've made some progress. i understand a lot more these days about my mother and what she goes through. and it makes me sad sometimes. i need to constantly remember her burden and try to relieve it, no matter how annoying and repetitive her nagging can get =P i'd probably deal so much worse in her shoes...so i'm going to make a goal for myself this winter break: i am going to be the perfect daughter--or as close as humanly possible. maybe having it written out will actually give me more resolve...because i pretty much have the same goal every time i go home.