for november 1, 1999

it's beginning to look a lot like...autumn. finally a windy day after weeks of unrelenting heat in october. the weather's gone crazy.

amanda might be coming home this week. :)

"this year's love had better last" -David Gray
now i really do love this song, but it's probably bad that this line makes me laugh, huh? haha

-
maybe if i close my eyes tightly, it will all go away.

did you ever try to hide from your parents or other kids when you were a child and think that if you stayed absolutely still and didn't look at them, they wouldn't find you? if i can't see them, they must not be able to see me. maybe it was some garbled strategy that combined jurassic park dinosaur-evading tactics and the stickers on big semis that say "if you can't see my mirrors, i can't see you."

in any case, we know things don't quite work that way.

-
how simple it is to start falling back...even if you don't know whether anyone is there to catch you.

i can't seem to stop myself from possibly being very stupid again.

* * *
"Fallen" -Sarah McLachlan

heaven bent to take my hand
and lead me through the fire
be the long awaited answer
to a long and painful fight
truth be told, i've tried my best
but somewhere along the way
i got caught up in all there was to offer
and the cost was so much more than i could bear

though i've tried, i've fallen
i have sunk so low
i have messed up
better i should know
so don't come 'round here
and tell me i told you so

we all begin with good intent
love was raw and young
we believed that we could change ourselves
the past could be undone
but we carry on our backs the burden
time always reveals
the lonely light of morning
the wound that would not heal
it's the bitter taste of losing everything
that i have held so dear

i've fallen
i have sunk so low
i have messed up
better i should know
so don't come 'round here
and tell me i told you so

heaven bent to take my hand
nowhere left to turn
i'm lost to those i thought were friends
to everyone i know
oh, they turned their heads embarassed
pretend that they don't see
but it's one missed step
you'll slip before you know it
and there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

though i've tried, i've fallen
i have sunk so low
i have messed up
better i should know
so don't come 'round here
and tell me i told you so...

love: i love my kdphi. i love my thiokas. i love our new lambda girls. i love my little sisses (pledge educator, elmo, and aria). i can't believe you're finished :) so, so proud. love to everyone who came to our party too. good times.

randomness: my headlights are fixed! corned beef hash reminds me of my mom. i'm always tired. an elderly woman falling onto your dinner table provides a very surreal moment. i miss amanda. sys is coming up. i've almost finished the box of honey nut cheerios. some people can't seem to remember what my name is when they're drunk ;)

-
i wonder why people say hearts break. when someone or something emotionally hurts me or i allow myself to hurt, it's not my heart that twists. my heart thumps along just fine. it's this indefinable, seemingly empty space within my chest that gets kneaded like bread dough. sometimes the ache extends to my stomach, but my heart? it keeps beating. my stomach keeps digesting. i keep breathing. so what if it feels like my insides are imploding?

no, it's not a current feeling. i was just wondering. feeling sort of cynical yet idealistic at the same time. i'm not in the mood to settle for less, but i can't help thinking what i want will be in a rather far-away future.

* * *
"Forever" -Ben Harper

not talkin' 'bout a year, no, not three or four
i don't want that kind of forever in my life anymore
forever always seems to be around when it begins
but forever never seems to be around when it ends
so give me your forever
please, your forever
not a day less will do from you

people spend so much time, every single day
runnin' 'round all over town, givin' their forever away
but no, not me, i won't let my forever roam
and now i hope i can find my forever a home
so give me your forever
please, your forever
not a day less will do from you

like a handless clock with numbers, an infinite of time
no, not the forever found only in the mind
forever always seems to be around when things begin
but forever never seems to be around when things end
so give me your forever
please, your forever
not a day less will do from you