i'm going away for the weekend. don't miss me too much. yes, i am leaving for a romantic getaway with well over a dozen other girls...all squeezed into a cabin meant to sleep eight. down, boys. the topless pillowfights will not be filmed. =D

naw, really, it's annual retreat time! hoorah! i know you'll all miss my presence in this online world for two whole nights. "oh shoot...i don't see chrispy's sn on my aim list...the world is coming to an end!" calm yourselves. i'll be back to my aim whorishness in due time.

~

i am truly grateful for friends who listen and appreciate. they may not understand completely, but they'll always try and accept anyway. i believe it is of the utmost importance to find people you can really laugh with...and even when you laugh at each other, no one minds. thanks for all the laughter.

and is it just me, or does it feel like letting go? oh well, i'm keeping the gift for now. ;-)

another lost-again cause
let your fingers relax
with nothing to bind the grains
sand trickles through the cracks
try not to see where it falls
be objective; it's okay
we are not meant to grasp things
that don't exist anyway

desiree's xanga reminded me of a couple cute poems. they're not the best poems out there or my absolute favorites, but the first...well, it ties in nicely with my obsession with frogs =) the second just contains lessons i think all females should learn.

"Of Frogs and Princes"

Come. We'll talk about
loneliness together,
make mistakes,
break illusions,
and if my kiss brings not a prince
perhaps you'll share my lilypad
or welcome me to yours.
Perhaps you're free for breakfast
and other beginnings.
Maybe you're the one
I'll croak for?

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

"After a While"

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

i think i'm pms-ing. i get all pensive and shit...thus the spike in blog frequency. john mayer may have inadvertantly written a great pms song. except for the saving grace part.

do you ever wonder why you do such stupid things?
i wonder about you too.
kidding. i really meant me =) i hate it when i'm stupid. i hate it a lot then. boo.

inertia's a bitch.

do you ever find it so much simpler to just curl up and let the slowly constant stream of time push you along? i get so frightened to open up from my isolating ball to reach out and move with my own will sometimes, even when i know my course is headed for many tiny disasters. i've lost my drive.

and sometimes Thoughts run through your mind, twisting your nerves and invisible heartstrings into tangled knots; you think that if you let them out, they might stop bothering you. yet you refuse to release them because those Thoughts would become tangible. you feel somewhere in your paranoid soul that others will see them and warp them--point and whisper--and the wound the Thoughts gushed out of would be much too vulnerable. so the Thoughts stay where they are and fester and muddle you from the inside instead.

i'll get over it.

* * *
"Not Myself" ~John Mayer

suppose i said
i am on my best behavior
and there are times
i lose my worried mind

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

suppose i said
colors change for no good reason
and words will go
from poetry to prose

would you want me when i'm not myself?
wait it out while i am someone else?

and i, in time, will come around
i always do for you

suppose i said
you're my saving grace

as another manifestation of my nerdish tendencies, i was watching some history channel last night during a marathon veg session at home (along with a disturbing michael jackson documentary, high school reunion, simpsons, married with children reunion, clone high, mad tv reruns, real world...) and caught a little bit about a 17th century female opera singer who was evidently one of the finest fencers of her time, la maupin. being an even bigger nerd, i went to look her up, and DAMN this woman was colorful.

besides being tall and beautiful, la maupin had an amazing voice and memory which eventually led to a career in the opera after a convenient marriage arranged by her first lover, a count. her father had trained her in the use of swords and she learned even more through another lover of hers, a swordsman.

she had a habit of dressing like a man, and also the occasional habit of loving women:
"Having experienced the attentions of young ladies who at first mistook her for a man, she thought it would make a charming contrast for a virile woman such as herself to be seen around town with a young girl, and a blonde would show off her own dark coloring. Soon a beautiful young blonde, perhaps mistaking La Maupin for a man, demonstrated some infatuation for La Maupin, who reciprocated with ardor. The young lady's parents, not surprisingly, did not approve of the liaison, and quickly sent her into the Visitandines convent in Avignon in order to keep the two apart. Our heroine followed, entering the convent herself as a novitiate. Shortly thereafter, one of the nuns died. La Maupin disinterred the body of the deceased nun and, placing it in the bed of her beloved, set the room afire so that the two could flee in the ensuing confusion."
--Jim Burrows, http://home.attbi.com/~brons/Maupin/LaMaupin.html

whoa. so she got a death sentence, but eventually got out of it when a noble who loved her convinced the king to annull the death sentence. she became a professional duelist, skewered plenty of men, and had many, many more affairs with both men and women.

wow. what a character...and she wasn't even fictional.

* * *
"how did i come to this?
i dream myself a thousand times around the world
but i can't get out of this place"

it's been a long weekend--and it's not over. thanks to everyone who came out last night though. and mike's gonna get a beat down from me. =P

~
i was thinking about relationships today. not necessarily the boy-girl-kissy-love type of relationship, but relationships with people in general. sorry for being cheesy; i get into these moods every now and again. and i have no preachy point either.

i have known people
who slip in unnoticed
perhaps the greedy ones
take a piece of your worth
are there enough who return the favor?
some leave the same way they came

many hover around-above-beneath
and flit in for welcome little visits

several come in and make you smile
but in the end, you push them away

there are people who arrive with a bang
run away with a whimper

those who quietly tickticktick
blow up in your face

still digging out shrapnel

maybe the very special grow and grow
until you're steeped soul-deep
an embrace of entirety
that never wishes to open
we should have infinite figurative arms :)

a few from eternity on
though physically gone
will always live in you

* * *
"Thirty-Two Flavors" ~Ani DiFranco

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
'cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
till i'd passed and left them alone

and god help you if you are an ugly girl
'course too pretty is also your doom
'cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i'm not trying to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i'm not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't want to live that way
no, i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
'cause someday you might find you're starving
and eating all of the words you said