why do guys think it's cool to flip off the camera when they're in pictures? is this hardcore? are they making a personal statement protesting the superficiality of the "hard look" they're about to make? do they just hate anyone with a camera yet agree to be in the picture anyway? or maybe their middle finger is saying, "fucker! i am much too pretty to be in this picture!" ah, or perhaps they realize that they're ugly dicks, and by sticking out a hand with the middle finger extended, they hope the automatic focus of the camera will focus on the finger and blur their faces. hm, tough call.

so many people refuse to smile in pictures too. that's annoying. admittedly, it is true that numerous people merely look better when they don't smile in comparison to when they do--but that's sad. i like people to be happy and not look sleepy, constipated, or belligerent in their photos. this goes for both guys and girls. but in terms of the opposite sex, i have to like a guy's smile in order to like him in that way. i refuse to be with someone unless i can make them smile, so i have to look at that grin a lot, right? no shame!

turn-on: guys who look better smiling than not.

i think i'm pms-ing. i hate getting overly emotional and shit. ugh. okay, well pms usually only makes me a little angsty and listen to a lot of sappy music...but still annoying. males have it too easy with fairly constant hormone levels =P

and now i'm going to post the lyrics to something corporate's "konstantine" because i feel like it. i know it's a freaking long song and there are a lot of lyrics, but i don't care. this is my blog and you can read it or leave it. this song makes me feel though, you know? and i'm all about the lyrics ;-) easier to put up someone else's lyrics than post my own poems.

i have realized i am a huge emo girl. *sigh*

* * *
"Konstantine" -Something Corporate

i can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and i don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you're restless and i'm naked
you've gotta get out, you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
i didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
'cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room
to live

i had these dreams and then i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

then you'd bring me home
'cause we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room
to live

and Konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good
standing in her underwear?
and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights when we were drinking
no, they never got us anywhere
no

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k
and i can like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why i had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star
"i'm not your star"
isn't that what you said?
what you thought this song meant?

and if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock
it's 11:11 and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my Konstantine

Konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no, they'll never hurt you like i do
no, no, no no no no no no

this is to a girl who got into my head
with all the pretty things she did
hey, you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head
with all these fucked up things i did
hey, maybe, baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you?
oh god i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep, but this time not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know you'll miss me in your living room
'cause these nights i think maybe that i miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said, does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live

my Konstantine

feeling anxious because i don't seem to know anything anymore--how i feel, what i want, what lies ahead, what i left behind...so unsettling. you can only take a zen-like approach to life for so long.

sometimes you just want to be 100% sure and safe about something. security--that's not asking too much, is it? i know there will always be some constants in my life, and i'm incredibly grateful, but these security blankets don't quite reach every single corner. obviously i can do without...but extra comfort is nice. oh well.

too many yet not enough at the same time...bah. i'm tired.

some people view life as a competition that you must win. others feel you should lead a selfless life--no need to be the best, the awards will be a part of the journey itself.

i don't know what i think anymore. i'm constantly telling myself, "stop thinking about life as a competition. just live it and do what you can." in some ways, i feel like society supports this viewpoint, in the countless self-help books and articles on the market and in the media...yet we live in a capitalistic, materialistic world that admires ambition which seems implicitly selfish.

the voice inside me that used to scream, "be the best! win! you're better than this!" has become a background murmer. i placate it by telling it that it's wrong. that i don't need to be the best anymore--because so much of me simply believes everything is impractical and impossible now.

sometimes i wonder what i'm doing with my life. sometimes i think i'm slowly dawdling down the wrong path. sometimes i question how anyone can be sure of anything--and suspect those who believe they are sure have merely convinced themselves of this. i can't seem to convince myself of anything anymore. my perspective may be too wide, but i can only be certain that nothing is certain. and what can you accomplish with that thought?

sorry to ramble. i don't know how to live my life anymore--i just know i can't continue living it in this manner. perhaps i need a new philosophy for life and a strong willpower to go along with it.

* * *
"Good Morning Baby" -Dan Wilson & Bic Runga

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
between an overload of information
and a striving for a pure dedication i
find myself looking for the exit sign
see your pretty face in the sunshine
in the morning after staying up all night i
want to wake you just to hear you tell me it's all right
and all i want to be is too much sometimes for me

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day
good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day

see the stars and all the planets
fly the great wide world and have it all
yeah, better get a ticket, better get in line
i'm praying now for beautiful weather
take a car and drive forever but i'm
only ever sitting at the traffic light
and all the world to see is too much sometimes for me

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day
good morning baby i hope we're gonna make it through another day

(and when you rise)
and when you rise you'll find me here
(open your eyes)
and see myself reflected there
(and for awhile)
a little room becomes an everywhere

ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah, ah-ah
between an overload of information
and a striving for a pure dedication i
find myself looking for the exit sign

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day
good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day

please excuse my moments of extreme retardedness. am currently on 12-step program to curb retarded tendencies.
to those i love, i love you. obviously.

i put on my black hoodie shirt today--and everything was dark. yes, it was backwards. and yes, the hood was over my face.

like i said...working on it.