waiting to drive my cousins to sfo at 6:00 am. woohoo.

i work in windows. if they don't want to come in while it's open, it will probably be closed later.

and when they fly back, as they often do, they just smash their heads into the glass with a vicious crash.

* * *
"Maybe Someday" -The Cure

no i won't do it again, i don't want to pretend
if it can't be like before i've got to let it end
i don't want what i was, i had a change of head
but maybe someday...
yeah maybe someday

i've got to let it go and leave it gone
just walk away, stop it going on
get too scared to jump if i wait too long
but maybe someday...

i'll see you smile as you call my name
start to feel, and it feels the same
and i know that maybe someday's come
maybe someday's come...
again!

so tell me someday's come
tell me some days come again...

no i won't do it some more, doesn't take any sense
if it can't be like it was, i've got to let it rest
i don't want what i did, i had a change of tense
but maybe someday...

i'll see you smile as you call my name
start to feel, and it feels the same
and i know that maybe someday's come
maybe someday's come...

if i could do it again maybe just once more
think i could make it work like i did it before
if i could try it out
if i could just be sure
that maybe someday is the last time
yeah maybe someday is the end
oh maybe someday is when it all stops
or maybe someday always comes again...

i went to the library the other day and borrowed a lot of fat books.

verde has another branch in fremont on warm springs blvd now. the tea is just as yum.

amanda went shopping with me, showed me the "secret entrance," and wore me down after a couple hours. i bought a cute dress for $20.

having an old friend say some ironic lyrics reminded him of me is amusing.

it's the little things in life :)

-
you know that whole bit about love being a butterfly, letting go, and if it was meant to be, it'll come back? what a graceful, eloquent image.

except i think it's all logic and common sense. maybe i'll discount the "meant to be" part because i don't quite believe that fate controls everything, but the rest...

who would want to keep others trapped, not knowing if they want to be there? correction, who would do that if they had any sense of self-worth or compassion?

i think love is a type of captivity. sounds horrible because captivity has such a negative connotation, but true in its own way. you're held captive because you care; there are ties that bind you to others. imprisonment is all subjective. if you're lucky, you get to choose your own captivity.

forcing another to your desires and holding them captive because you don't trust them or want to impose your will upon them--that's oppressive, selfish, and tyrannical, and i don't understand how any true pleasure would be obtained from that unless you were highly insecure or sadistic.

meh. i suppose i'm still of the mindset that things should happen fairly naturally, both should choose to be together--mutual captivity. ideally. or something.

there i go blabbing on again. i was just thinking about how i never force people to do things they don't want to do [except my siblings maybe ;], but what if it's also apathy, defense, or passivity? maybe i just don't try. i don't think i ever feel safe enough to do that anymore anyway.

* * *
"Rainy Day" -Guster

i will dig a hole
save my pennies for a rainy day
i will dig a hole
savin' pennies for a rainy day
i'm not scared

i will build a wall
sensing trouble from a mile away
i will build a wall
saw it comin' from a mile away
i'm not scared
i'm not scared

try wearin' your insides out
i don't even try
i know i have seen the best i'll have
i don't even try

i will just play dumb
i won't hear a single word that's said
i will bite my tongue
never sing another song again
i'm not scared
i'm not scared

try wearing my insides out
i don't even try
i know i have seen the best i'll have
i don't even try
now they want to take my chances
i don't even try

clouds are comin'
air gets heavy
looks like trouble on a rainy day
sun starts sinking
can't see my shadow
looks like trouble on a rainy day
holes uncovered
walls will crumble
all spells trouble on a rainy day

edit: oh, by the way, i'm done =) yes, time to release me back into society! hm. should probably get a haircut first.

Where people wish to attach, they should always be ignorant. To come with a well-informed mind is to come with an inability of administering to the vanity of others, which a sensible person would always wish to avoid. A woman especially, if she have the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.

ah, jane austen. if only i had her talent for delicate sarcastic wit. finally found some time to read through Northanger Abbey--i literally chuckled out loud multiple times. [complete digression, but the verb "chuckle" is just ridiculous. i feel really stupid whenever i say it, but i don't want to "giggle" and didn't really "laugh"...so what can you do?] such biting, perfect irony about prissy english society. haha.

okay, so in defense of males (sort of), austen allows this:

The advantages of natural folly in a beautiful girl have been already set forth by the capital pen of a sister author; and to her treatment of the subject I will only add, in justice to men, that though to the larger and more trifling part of the sex, imbecility in females is a great enhancement of their personal charms, there is a portion of them too reasonable and too well informed themselves to desire anything more in women than ignorance.

since i think myself incapable of being labeled a complete imbecile, i suppose i can only aspire to ignorance ;)

so reading that passage brought to mind the current state of gender dynamics and gender roles in our generation. i'd like to believe that times have changed and men would like to find partners they can respect and with whom they can share things fairly equally, but i realize that's only in the happy world in my head. although there are more guys out there who don't want just pretty idiots for girlfriends, you have to admit that there are definitely many males who feel threatened by females who possess traits that are traditionally "masculine": intelligence, strength, height, financial stability, etc. so instead of finding someone stimulating out of bed too, they find a comfortable cute little thing they can control. and then they wonder why they get bored. although i have guy friends i care for and whose intelligence i respect, i can't really respect certain habits in pursuing stupid girl after stupid girl. c'mon, don't you want to be challenged at all?

maybe not. well, male superiority can suck my dick. ah, so many problems with that statement. haha...you get my sentiment though, right?

"Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths." -Lois Wyse

* * *
"Not a Pretty Girl" -Ani DiFranco

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down, punk
maybe you'd prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere?

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
and never to their own fear
and imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer you
were dirty and smiling

and i am sorry
i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten stuck up a tree somewhere

and generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you gotta have yourself an alternate plan
and i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
and i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are no damsels in distress?
what if i knew that and i called your bluff?
don't you think every kitten figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up?

i am not a pretty girl
i don't really want to be a pretty girl
no, i want to be more than a pretty girl