i've been wanting to blog but haven't really had the time...a lot has been on my mind though. to my girls, i am here for you--whenever, wherever, whatever. you only have to choose to talk to me. i will listen.

-
i was pulled over by a cop for the first time two nights ago. that was fun. somehow BOTH my headlights went out, but i didn't notice at first because my fog lights were still on. what a pain. piece of shit car. police officer was nice enough to just give me a fix-it citation, but that's yet another thing to take care of.

i don't even have time to do my laundry! let's just say i've moved from regular underwear to granny underwear, finished those, and am now insanely uncomfortable in impractical panties. as every good college student knows, limiting factors for laundry are socks and underwear; socks are not yet necessary so i can last as long as i have clean underwear. and i really do not understand the concept of wearing thongs on a daily basis. good god, a constant wedgie canNOT be healthy.

-
is there any point in reopening a musty chest full of old hurts and bitterness when you're not sure the cleaning will change anything? i remember feeling so strongly negative once; how can that be completely forgotten? yet it's difficult to remember how high and low things were when you're this far removed. i miss an easy comradery, knowing someone had fun with me, but what if those things are simply beyond the point of recovery now? it may hurt even more to open the slightly scabbed-over wound and discover it cannot heal completely and will only scar.

i've always been the type to form truly close bonds with only a few, and those closest to me mean the world. when i feel one of those few bonds have been broken, it's as if i lost a little piece of myself. looking through some old blogs, i realized how important you used to be to me and my entire college experience. i thought i was a good friend to you. so to be honest, i still blame you in letting our friendship die. and that death left an echo of emptiness with which i can live but will never be happy about. is it even possible to rebuild?

-
on another note, i had been looking through my old blogs in an attempt to learn how long michelle has been my bf. it's been just over 10 months. michelle, you have been my longest relationship. i don't know whether to cry in joy or depression. sigh. i guess you've been a decent bf...except for the whole sexual gratification part. you frigid bitch. ;D

* * *
"Life for Rent" -Dido

i haven't really ever found a place that i call home
i never stick around quite long enough to make it
i apologize that once again i'm not in love
but it's not as if i mind
that your heart ain't exactly breaking

it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well, i deserve nothing more than i get
'cause nothing i have is truly mine

i've always thought
that i would love to live by the sea
to travel the world alone
and live more simply
i have no idea what's happened to that dream
'cause there's really nothing left here to stop me

it's just a thought, only a thought

but if my life is for rent and i don't learn to buy
well, i deserve nothing more than i get
'cause nothing i have is truly mine...

while my heart is a shield and i won't let it down
while i am so afraid to fail so i won't even try
well, how can i say i'm alive

if my life is for rent...

i should to go home this weekend.

happy birthday. some things may fade a little with time but never will be forgotten. your presence will always be missed.

* * *
"If You Were Here" -Poe

if you were here
i know that you would
truly be amazed
at what's become of what you made
if you were here
you would know how i treasured every day
how every single word you spoke
echoes in me like a memory of hope

when you were here
you could not feel the value that i placed
on every look that crossed your face
when you were here
i did not know just how i had embraced
all that you hid behind your face
could not hide from me
'cause it hid in me too

(how are you, tiger? this is great fun, to be able to talk with you, like this--in fact i'm going to do it more often)

now that i'm here, i hear you
and wonder if maybe you can hear yourself
ringing in me now that you're somewhere else
(i miss you a lot)
'cause i hear your strange music gentle and true
(i'm sharing with you some of my reflections)
singing inside me with the best parts of you
now that i'm here
(but i'm so proud of everything you do there
i love you most)
i hope somewhere you hear them too
(next time I see you you'll proudly sing it back to me)
now that i'm here
i love you

it's okay, you can go now

it's been a horribly full time since my last update. there is no way i will be able to cover everything, nor would you actually care. so in a half-hearted attempt to update, here are some random thoughts:

- full moon on the quad was rather tame, but i was definitely not drunk enough to fully partake. yay for remaining disease-free! people who move suddenly to renege on the cheek-only agreement are schiesty =P

- bea and eric are my favorite couple in the world. if i could be in a relationship with a couple, i'd definitely want to be with them. as it is, i know they find some way to involve me in their s--lives. :D

- there are too many birthdays in a one-week span. happy birthdays to michelle, judy, alex rosten, bea [again]! additional sappy birthday messages to come at the end of this blog.

- my ass hurts from driving for such extended periods of time. poor buttocks :(

- once road rage begins, my mood is difficult to resuscitate. and wow, my mouth can get dirty.

- alex rocks for getting me the dido cd! and i am a horrible friend for forgetting the guster cd.

- still unresolved feelings about kill bill. yet i will be watching vol. 2.

- i dislike rude people. i like people who give me donations for breast cancer awareness month. and these rhinestone pins are damn cute. breast cancer unfortunately touches so many lives. learn and support if you can. fridays in white plaza, 11am-2pm, people.

- yay for chiung, mo, howard, jen, alex, and bernie! yeah buddies! thanks for taking time out to see little ol' me :)

- "the first cut is the deepest." true to a degree. disillusionment is tragic.

HAPPY BIRTHDAYS!

to alex rosten: my favorite bobaman is old. ;) he is still the pimp, makes mean spiked bobas, and delivers the best geeky pickup lines.

to judyfruit: i looove judy! ow ow! i wish i were as healthy as her, but i'll take being her friend and pledge sister. she is one of the cutest, funniest, good people i know. you are so beautiful, and i will always be here for you!

to michelle: there is no way i can imagine what stanford would have been like without you. how the hell did we become friends? we're so different...but not. i'm not sure if even i know myself, but i have a feeling that if i had more of an idea, you'd be one of the people to know the most. and i hope you appreciate my educated guesses about your psyche too ;) thank you for being geeky with me, thank you for doing crossword puzzles with me, thank you for correcting my grammar, thank you for dealing with me correcting yours. thank you for all the times you cared, thank you for being "not girly", thank you for being "girly" with me. thank you for being one of the few people to whom i can tell certain things. thank you for not judging and helping me judge. you're 21 now, girl! you can live it up without being eunice or me anymore. :D

from freshman year...


to sort-of-now...


still dorks. ;)