crying is so cleansing. as long as i'm not crying in front of others because i'm all repressed like that.

books can make me cry. there's something so touching about words that can affect you so much. movies...well, you're dependent on the images already provided for you. don't get me wrong, i can definitely bawl at certain movies too, but on one level it's odd to be crying for ewan mcgregor's acting rather than a character you help build in your mind. i like the idea of crying for someone who doesn't actually exist.

thus i like books that make me cry. easier to momentarily cleanse yourself of stress or angst or negative feelings without actually having to face them or having others see you cry and haplessly be embarrassed.

things that have made me cry recently: reading angst culminating in happy endings, big fish, re-reading ender's game, billy elliot

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now i'm trying to decide whether to re-post the lyrics to something corporate's "konstantine" because they move me, or post the lyrics of the postal service's "nothing better" because they amuse me. what will it be? ooh...scroll down and see. exciting! [although no one should really care but me.]

i really didn't mean to make so much of that rhyme. i am so lame. :(

* * *
"Konstantine" -Something Corporate

i can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go when the lights are turned down low
and i don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping in between
you and your big dreams
it's always you in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you're restless and i'm naked
you've gotta get out, you can't stand to see me shaking, no
could you let me go?
i didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
'cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did - because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room
to live

i had these dreams and then i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country, become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young, well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you, then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

and then you'd bring me home
'cause we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room
to live

and Konstantine is walking down the stairs
doesn't she look good standing in her underwear?
and i was thinking what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere

my Konstantine came walking down the stairs
and all that i could do is touch her long blonde hair
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights when we were drinking
no, they never got us anywhere

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k and i can like it
it's to dying in another's arms and why i had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star - "i'm not your star"
isn't that what you said? what you thought this song meant?

and if this is what it takes just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you and all the hell i put you through
i always catch the clock, it's 11:11 and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream, you'll always be my Konstantine
Konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no, they'll never hurt you like i do

this is to a girl who got into my head with all the pretty things she did
hey, you know you keep me up in bed
this is to a girl who got into my head with all these fucked up things i did
hey, maybe, baby, you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said, "did you know i missed you?
oh god, i miss you"

and then you bring me home
and we go to sleep, but this time not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know you'll miss me in your living room
'cause these nights i think maybe that i miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said, does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live

my Konstantine

i stood in for michelle tonight at an intended massage workshop put on by the A3C for graduate students. "oh, all you have to do is give the workshop leader the payment form at 6:00! it'll be simple!"

sure, in theory it should have been simple...but not quite. :) all these grad students came in (quite punctually), and i introduced myself as "the a3c grad student programming director's friend." what a mouthful. so 6:00 comes. no workshop leader.

i stall. "i'm sure he's just running a bit late...why don't we introduce ourselves?" yes, i told all these graduate students to introduce themselves like freshmen. we almost broke out the name game too. (white dude seemed really into the idea.) anyway, i ended up being the annoying figurehead organizer who tried to entertain about 30 graduate students and said every 15 minutes that it would be only another 15 minutes more. finally, i gave in, popped in a video, and attempted to just sit and look pretty.

what struck me, though, was how almost all the participants were so...sociable. in a manner that seemed as if they don't often get the opportunity to meet people otherwise. grad student life seems rather isolating to me. most people are so focused and driven, perhaps many don't feel the need to meet others even in their own building. but the ones who were there tonight were incredibly friendly and chatted up anyone and everyone. (well, it was a massage workshop ;)

then again, we're all pretty isolated. [insert island imagery] stanford freshman dorm programming forces us to socialize; left to our own devices, we probably wouldn't have talked to half the people we did that year. most of us want to make those connections, but are too afraid. or too apathetic. maybe we have exactly as many connections as we want.

yet as much as i joke about being asocial or going through hermit-like phases, i cannot imagine what it would be like to be a complete loner, to not have any significant friendships or relationships with others. how utterly alone you would be. sometimes we get those moods in which we feel no one is there for us, no one can understand us, but in the back of our mind, we know there are people who care of us. thank you for caring. and know that i truly care about you. well, some of you. ;) i only hope you know who you are.

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had a wonderful talk with bea the other night. it's been too long, fellow nudie roomie. :D i miss bea. i love how happy she is with eric too. i've half-way decided to "find" myself someone who will want to be with me and care for me as much as eric does for bea. the only thing preventing me from fully committing to the decision is the difficulty of accomplishing it. =P

i first need to kick that bad habit i seem to have for wanting to be with guys who don't want to be with me. and not wanting to be with guys who do. how viciously stupid. but hey, if michelle can break her pattern, i can too! someday. ah, the vagueness. :)

wow, this was long. sorry. it probably wasn't worth your time if you seriously read it all, but sometimes i just want to write for the hell of it. good night.

[edit] oh yeah. NO MORE SHIT LEFTOVERS. remember that, christina.

* * *
"Transatlanticism" -Death Cab for Cutie

the atlantic was born today and i'll tell you how:
the clouds above opened up and let it out

i was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere when the water
filled every hole
and thousands upon thousands made an ocean, making islands
where no island should go
oh, no

those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats
i thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
the rhythm of my footsteps crossing floodlands to your door
have been silenced forever more
the distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
it seems farther than ever before
oh, no

i need you so much closer...
so come on, come on...

my instincts always seem to be right. too bad they're also very pessimistic.

i hate my instincts.

ah well. it's only what i expected. onward - be philosophical, have fun, yadda. it's not as if i don't have options. well, maybe i'll go hit a few things first.

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on the other hand, paloma is a goddess. i love you. :) funny how i would have never met an amazing person like you if it weren't for kdphi. loveloveandsmooches.

* * *
"Bullet Proof" -Radiohead

limb by limb and tooth by tooth
tearing up inside of me
every day, every hour
just wish that i
was bullet proof

wax me, mold me
heat the pins and stab them in
you have turned me into this
just wish that it
was bullet proof

so pay me money and take a shot
lead fill the hole in me
i could burst a million bubbles, all surrogate
and bullet proof

jen: so my mom
: bought me a red jacket
: with a hood
: it says in white
: "Camp Morningwood"
: i told my mom about morning wood
: and she thought it was hilarious
: and starting bringing it up at 1-hour intervals

hahaha. we are so immature. ;)