i am in love with verde. looking back on my college experience, i've just had so many great conversations in that one little tea cafe. to be honest, it's not even the ideal setting for talking since the plasma screen tv is usually blasting chinese pop and other asian people are "talking" (read: shouting) to each other at the same table while playing indian poker for over an hour. (which leads to another tangent involving the entertainment value of slapping cards on your forehead over and over again...) it's not the big events in life but those unassuming talks over the din of verde-ness with people i care about that i treasure most. in one sitting, we could cover everything from relationships to our purpose in life to our favorite cereal while lingering over a pearl milk tea or two (or three with some thick toast or tea egg thrown in too). thank you to everyone who has ever shared one of those conversations with me. :)

as the days, weeks, months, and years go on, i find myself becoming more and more cynical. i'm struck by the sheer pointlessness of so many things. yes, i know this is "not the way to think." yes, i know that i should try to be more positive. i'm not saying i've become a complete pessimist...it's only that each disappointment stays with you at least a little bit, and then they begin to weigh so heavily. for some reason, it feels better to be able to say you predicted this next disappointment rather than have false hope. baseless optimism seems so foolish to me. definitely no pangloss following here.

actually, maybe i can't say that i've become pessimistic. somehow i try to...just not have any expectations at all. i suppose that's my form of bravado--did something unfortunate happen? well, it's not as if i were expecting anything better or worse. sadly, i am human with a fully active imagination; every sort of scenario runs through my head at one point or another anyway. so even if i say i wasn't expecting the best, a part of me still gets colder with every disappointment.

and yet that foolish part of me will always hope for some pleasant surprise.

-
icky feeling again. i suspect i'm too fucking sensitive or some shit. i like phrasing it that way :) at least i don't show it to most people, right? because maybe i am wrong. i just don't trust much of anything yet.

i hope i don't really know how this story will go.

* * *
"Cannonball" -Damien Rice

still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
still a little hard to say what's going on

still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

still a little bit of your song in my ear
still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that i can't see what's going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage
teach me to be shy
'cause it's not hard to fall
and i don't want to scare her
it's not hard to fall
and i don't wanna lose
it's not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know

i had a splendiferous time with deb yesterday! lots of food, lots of talk, lots of comfort :) deb bought the cutest necklace at tiffany's for herself. for a girl who never stepped foot into a tiffany's until this quarter, i'm getting assailed! i never quite understood the appeal of tiffany's, but it's working its insidious power on me too. just the tiffany's color gets a girl all mushy. what the hell? i don't get it. it must be evil. but ooh, that green color is so pretty! ;) deb and i also bought matching clogs in different colors. oh, except her feet are smaller. shorty. :D

howard visited on saturday too. this involved a lot of food. mmm. animal style cheeseburger, animal style fries, soda, krispy kreme, safeway...oh god, i'm salivating again just remembering. and i would like to mention that key lime krispy kreme donuts are amazing. excuse me as i wipe that bit of drool off the spacebar. howie will be back next weekend for...get this...the cal RCCs vs. stanford RCCs ultimate frisbee game. hahaha! i'm sorry, that cracked me up. and yes, i am still pimping howard, so get those requests in quickly. ;)

jason mraz is seriously so cute. i'm sure he knows this, but he had almost all the girls swooning after him. although i had to leave before "you and i both," bea-honeypie left me a vmail of him playing that song :D i loooove you!

another episode of chrispy-klutziness: in lecture today, i bent down to put something back in my bookbag...and smacked my forehead onto the back of the seat in front of me. paloma assures me the bruise is not noticeable though. whew. =P this forehead bruise is in addition to the bruise i created by smacking the back of my head into the ceramic soap holder in the shower stall on friday night. it's a wonder my brain is still functional; thank goodness for crania.

-
i wish someone knew what i'm doing. especially me. and yes, i meant to use those tenses.

it's nice to have people who are willing to listen :) i love you all. keep a watch out and knock some sense into me if you think i need it sometime.

* * *
"You and I Both" -Jason Mraz

was it you who spoke the words that things would happen, but not to me?
oh, things are gonna happen naturally
taking your advice, i'm looking on the bright side
and balancing the whole thing
but oftentimes those words get tangled up in lines
and the bright light turns to night
until the dawn it brings
a little bird who'll sing about the magic that was you and me

'cause you and i both loved
what you and i spoke of
and others only read of
and others only dream of the love
the love that i love

see, i'm all about them words
over numbers, unencumbered numbered words
hundreds of pages, pages, pages forwards
more words than i had ever heard and i feel so alive
then you and i, you and i
not so little you and i anymore
and with this silence brings a moral story
more importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

'cause you and i both loved what you and i spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
then i'm almost out of...
i'm finally out of...
well, i'm almost finally...
well, i am free

and it's okay if you have go away
just remember the telephone works both ways
but if i never ever hear it ring
if nothing else, i'll think the bells inside
have finally found you someone else and that's okay
'cause i'll remember everything you sang

'cause you and i both loved what you and i spoke of
and others just read of and if you could see me now
then i'm almost out of...
i'm finally out of...
well, i'm almost finally, finally out of words.

the idea of doing something i love for the rest of my life is infinitely appealing. i honestly don't know what that might be, but you always hear about some extremely weird, off-the-beaten-track occupation that fits someone like a glove. that's what i want. some really odd, tailor-made job that will be completely fun, which would currently involve crossword-puzzle solving, eating, dorky-cool people, reading, writing, optional intermittent naps, and a lot of laughing. simple, no? :)

i think i insult people too much. i never mean it in a sincere way, but sometimes things just tumble out of my mouth. =X i've gotten too used to joking around with friends and probably am too sarcastic for my own good sometimes. i need to remember that some people may not be able to tell whether i'm kidding. words of advice: if it sounds mean, i'm joking. i only tease good friends like that anyway; it honestly is a sign of affection. yes, my affection is fucked up, but so is life. sorry! perversity is just too amusing. besides, if everyone were constantly nice and complimenting each other all the time, compliments would lose their value and life would be very, very bland. the sweet just ain't as sweet without the bitter. :)

screw your sib was fun except only 1 out of 4 little sibs could actually make it :( rina's awesome though. yay little sib! that night emphasized the fact that i am old...and asian people can turn very red. haha! one of the best parts of sys is just seeing how drunk off their asses some people get. dim lighting can be such a blessing at certain times ;) also, little sis yuanxin did an awesome job. i know through experience that being a coordinator totally sucks all the fun out of the dance, but we appreciated all your work, girl! and thanks to dave for being a great date. that rhymed!

* * *
"Someday" -Nickelback

how the hell did we wind up like this?
why weren't we able
to see the signs that we missed
and try to turn the tables?
i wish you'd unclench your fists
and unpack your suitcase
lately there's been too much of this
but don't think it's too late

nothing's wrong, just as long as
you know that someday i will
someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it all right, but not right now
i know you're wondering when
(you're the only one who knows that)
someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it all right, but not right now
i know you're wondering when

well, i'd hoped that since we're here anyway
we could end up saying
things we've always needed to say
so we could end up stringing
now the story's played out like this
just like a paperback novel
let's rewrite an ending that fits
instead of a hollywood horror

nothing's wrong, just as long as
you know that someday i will
someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it all right, but not right now
i know you're wondering when
(you're the only one who knows that)
someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it all right, but not right now
i know you're wondering when
(you're the only one who knows that)

how the hell did we wind up like this?
why weren't we able
to see the signs that we missed
and try to turn the tables?
now the story's played out like this
just like a paperback novel
let's rewrite an ending that fits
instead of a hollywood horror

nothing's wrong, just as long as
you know that someday i will
someday, somehow
i'm gonna make it all right, but not right now
i know you're wondering when
(you're the only one who knows that...)