o. n. e. -

dave, rock that shit! ;-)

utterly blown away. wow. great spoken word always leaves me in complete awe...the intertwining lines-thoughts-images rushing at you in a pulsing, passionate flow that captures you until the end, when you feel like you've been flattened by a semi of words.

i just came back from an open mic with students and special spoken word artists james cagney and aya de leon, and i don't think i can describe everything because any words i can use would pale unbearably in comparison to the words i heard tonight. james cagney's "breakbeat jesus" was incredible in performance and its words...jesus is the supreme dj with a posse 12 deep and his pop's got his "back" up in the big house. haha...and aya de leon? man, that woman speaks to us all and has this amazing energy. and she's got the woman's perspective down! "go ahead, baby!" she says the things i want to say but am too fricking tactful or scared or political or repressed or ignorant to say. i need to learn to be okay with being offensive sometimes. and how do they even think of their amazing metaphors, twists of phrases, and convolutions of thoughts?? great spoken word always feel inspiring--i hope there something in me to inspire (like an inner spoken word artist just waiting to break out maybe? i can only wish! =)

and i will leave you with one of her poems, the one that expresses what i was trying to get across about valentine's day, but in many better words and more emotions than i was aware of feeling.

~~~

valentine's day - not a test ~aya de leon

I think it was your eyes
they caught mine
as I was thinking about how full lips kiss so sweet
this is the type of Black King I been trying to meet
& later that night when you--

we interrupt this bullshit love poem
to bring you an important announcement
valentine's day has been cancelled
this is not a test
Love is in a state of emergency
people are desperate for real love
not
I'm lost without you
nothing can come between us
hit me baby one more time
I'll never breathe again
predatory capitalist bullshit

we repeat
valentine's day has been cancelled
this is not a test
despite incredible losses in revenue
cards, chocolates, champagne, teddy bears, jewelry
& other random objects that people buy each other
to prop up sagging & dysfunctional relationships
will not be for sale this year
you know who you are
& it's time to let that shit die.

valentine's day has been cancelled
this is not a test.
do not try to adjust your TV set or radio
in fact, turn that shit off.
For the next 24 hours, there will be
no love songs
no sex you up songs
no slow jams
no latenite request & dedication call-in shows
no romantic TV programs or movies
just 24 hours of silence for you to contemplate
what is the real meaning of love?
without ABC, CBS, WB, Fox, Tristar, KBLX, KMEL, KISS,
Harlequin romances, playboy, penthouse, hustler, players
and other bullshit media outlets to tell you
what you want
how you want it
what position you want it in
how tall, thick, soft, hard, stacked, hung, and/or wet
you want it to be.

valentine's day has been cancelled
this is not a test
your boyfriend's number will be busy
your girlfriend will not be waiting by the phone
your wife and/or husband has made other plans
all singles bars, strip clubs, telepersonals lines,
romantic getaway destinations, hot tub places, and make out spots
have been shut down for the duration
All dating and adult entertainment websites have crashed
until further notice
there will be no looking for love in all the wrong places
because all the wrong places are closed tonight

citizens are encouraged to stay indoors and remember
to love their friends
and if you don't have loveable friends, make some
to love your family
and if your family is too fucked up
find some loving folks to be your new family
to love God
and if God has failed you,
find a new God
or a new conception of God
But most of all, love yourselves
and if,
sitting at home in the silence,
you notice that you don't love yourself,
then fasten your seatbelt and get ready to work on that shit
cuz what you need is not gonna be found
in a box of candy / dozen roses / tall dark handsome / 36-24-36
when February 14th rolls around and
wish somebody was loving you
or wish you were somebody else
or you wish the person loving you was somebody else

Yes, for your own good
valentine's day has been cancelled
this is not a test
and now we return you to the poem already in progress

& when we stepped into the bedroom,
I could feel African drums pounding in my womb
& as we stripped
you made me feel like my soul was chocolate dipped
then you opened your mouth and tasted me
oh yes baby, set me free
so I'm offering up this heart of mine
lover, won't you be my--
this is not a test.

You're Lulu. You seem a little insensitive to those who don't know you very well, due to your cynical nature. Your mind is always thinking of things, big and small. You have a tough time of letting go of the past. You also like to bash people with plushies for fun and then fry them up with some tasty magic~! XD

Which Final Fantasy X Character would YOU be? Take the test.

er? i think i like being an otter more. =)

i have a feeling i received some valentines today from some hotties, but i haven't checked...and if i did, i'm sorry, i'm a bad person for not sending any! y'all know i think vday is commercialized crap anyway...but i definitely love you ;-) of that there should be no doubt! watch, i will stick to my principles and send you my love at another time soon. promise!

went to a bio review session tonight...it went half an hour over and i had to leave dinner early so i didn't get to eat all my dining hall chocolate-covered strawberries =( those are one of the few parts about valentine's day of which i approve too. hmph. that and the extra balloons from the balloon sale that we gave to the children's hospital =)

i went and had my dance with bea tonight though...hot stuff ;-) i also realized at the party that most of the guys there must be single because they can't dance. it sounds mean, but it's true! goodness. music wasn't that great either...left a bit early.

been digging mary j. blige's "love" lately...not sure why, but the beat's cool and mary's just cool. =) except my bass was bumpin a little too high and the neighbors complained =X whoops! but i'm a courteous neighbor so now i'm playing all my songs with no bass. feeling rather mundane right now. maybe i need to sleep.

* * *
L!
Let's get you ready for the lovin' of a lifetime
O!
Opticians can see just what you can do
V!
Become a victim on the verge, I'll kick your ass now
E!
It's experience and you'll know what to do

~"Love", Mary J. Blige

busy day today.

okay, before i forget--this is going to be really boring to anyone else who reads this, so please skip this list--reminders for myself about things discussed at my appointment with a premed advisor:
-take chem 135 and biochem
-take physics 20 series next year
-take math 51 sometime soon
-take mcat's in spring of junior year
-get a summer JOB (research or clinical)
-start applying for jobs
-asian liver center?
-ack, hope you didn't forget anything, dork

what valentine's day means to me:
chocolate-covered strawberries.

yuuuum.

whoops, i lied. not quite gone yet. i took the animal in you test from a link on chi's page. i'm an otter! i'm so cute! hahaha...no, just the otter is...and *drool* sushi...

ah, yet another "holiday" rolls around. spent all of tonight trying to capitalize on valentine's day by delivering balloons and candy and going to house meetings to try to get people to buy balloons and candy. i must have walked back and forth past the mendicants who were practicing outside in the wilbur courtyard about twenty times--with my many balloons, i must have looked like one confused little girl. i bought each of my little sibs balloon bouquets with dave and that made me feel nice. =) and henry bought one for me too! such a sweetie...i felt weird collecting money from him so that i could give myself balloons. haha...just wrong. but proceeds go to the susan g. komen breast cancer foundation! anyhow, this is the last you'll get out of me about valentine's day this year:


so i had dinner with some hotties tonight...meem-dawg, erin, and bea! some people still owe me a visit *cough* ah...the good old freshman days at roble. we discussed interesting things like the longevity of castrated men, bea and erin's sitcom, and the sex lives of guinea pigs (they can copulate 300 times in 3 hours!). and i had some good salmon. =) thanks, mimi! plus there's a dance reserved for bea at the toyon party tomorrow night...ooh baby.

now i'm pooped. can't think of anything else i want to write about...so i guess that's it. i'll just leave you with a parting fact, courtesy of bea kim: there is a man who is currently conducting a 7-year study (fully funded by the government) about why men prefer doggie-style while women like to be on top. bea mentioned something about him hypothesizing it had to do with greater evolutionary efficiency of the doggie-style position. hm. enjoy.

gong hay fat choy! (lai see dow loy...yeah, shutup, don't know how to romanize cantonese.) ...or xin nian kuai le!

my goodness i've got a lot of crap to do these days...*sigh* i suppose i must be all organized and responsible now so i can get all this ish done. plus i totally did not get any work done at latenite tonight....bah. but it's okay since i spent some quality time with cool people like p-ro, ms. judyoh aka L-dub, and the ever-present ms. tease.

uh..i don't think i have anything else interesting to say except that i must be uber fertile right now. geez. and michelle knows some HOT boys!

~~~oh! and come to our 3rd annual women's conference on saturday, march 2nd! "in our own words: the power of asian american women's voices" from 10:00 am to 4:00 pm on stanford campus...we'll have workshops about body image, relationships, social activism, women's health, and self-defense, as well as awesome keynote speakers like vickie nam (editor of yell-oh girls) and phoebe eng (author of warrior's lessons: an asian american woman's journey into power). come be empowered! register today =)

some people are amazing compliment-givers. that's what i want to be. no matter how many or few compliments they give, each one sounds completely sincere and selfless--and each one has the power to brighten a person's day =) there actually aren't that many great compliment-givers out there...some are too reluctant to give too many compliments for various reasons (like me maybe) or some compliment others ad nauseum and there's just no way you can believe the compliment is genuine. perhaps it's a delicate balance, but i think it's mostly in the demeanor and whether the giver actually means it. i need to learn to be more free with my compliments and spread the love =)

i haven't been able to make up my own mind as to whether i'm an optimist or a pessimist. i think in general, i'm fairly optimistic, but at the same time i try to be realistic...and face it, that generally means you're pessimistic. it's a difficult equilibrium because if you view everything pessimistically, then what is there to live for? but at the same time, i'm not going to be some ditz who blindly lives life believing everything will be peachy just because. i can't stand either extreme...being pessimistic is just depressing and logically there always is the chance that things will work out for the better...but eternally living in the silver lining stikes me as stupid, cowardly, and self-delusional. i admit to committing plenty of self-delusion every now and then though; it gives that extra push of faith that you need to succeed sometimes. there are times when making yourself believe that you will succeed makes it manifest while pessimists wouldn't even bother trying in the first place. at the same time, i always try to temper my ambitions with the reality that they're also likely to not succeed. it's always graygraygray. sometimes i get tired of this gray and want everything to be clear-cute, black & white, simple--but i know that's not possible. there's always the other side of the story and your mind's resolution never seems as neat as you'd like. bah. sorry, random tangent from reading a friend's profile.

in other news, i have a whole ton of gel in my hair today. jason said i'm like a guy now cuz my hair only looks good if i gel it =P this may be true because i think my ungelled hair makes me look like an ugly elf. i'm also hair-bipolar now--sometimes i think my new hairdo is cute, other times i think i look like a boy. so i've been wearing more lipstick to reassure myself that i really do look like a girl. gotta love my logic.

new wallpaper: daniel wu

went home this weekend for a night...i always realize how much i've missed my family when i see them. and now i miss them again =( but my brief little visit was nice...watched the opening ceremonies of the winter olympics, which was pretty corny (yes, one of characters in the ceremony was actually called "the child of light" and the fruity-looking guy in the flowing orange and red ribbons was "the fire within". please gag me.), but kristy yamaguchi was in it. fremont represent! hehehe. kidding. ooh ooh! and i got to eat mommy-food on friday =) can't really call it authentic "chinese food", but it doesn't matter because it's mommy-food. and oh god, the RICE! it makes my dining hall rice hang its head in shame while whipping itself. it's so easy to take good asian rice for granted until it's gone and replaced with whatever the hell they serve here.

then i had my hair cut. and when i say cut...oh boy, do i mean cut. i wanted it short, but in a different style than my sister's, so my hair stylist gave me this all-over layered cut...didn't quite turn out as i had expected. so since it looked like a big black mushroom on my head, i got copper highlights (first time i ever colored my hair...i'm so asian now! O_o). then i just looked like a fob. amanda: "it looks...uh...different!" we messed around with it after a while and gelled it down. i'm pretty satisfied with it now =) it's definitely a different look for me. there were a lot of double-takes from people tonight =)

ooh, i also went to the santa cruz sopi installs with monique and steph and saw marina and peggy. their new mu class did some cute performances. tim and stan were deejaying and james was there too! =) then we "dropped by" sherman's party but ended up staying for uh...quite a while. had a lot of fun...comments on my appearance ranged from "your hair makes you look more sophisticated!" and "i didn't recognize you at first!" to "it makes your face look round" and "did someone vomit on your shirt?" interesting. especially that last comment...it was the design on my shirt, dammit! haha. 'sall good though. i still think my shirt is cute. =P