isn't it funny how we can feel rejected even when we never ask? not really a ha-ha funny, but more a vicious-cruel-joke funny. we're so good at thinking ahead and imagining people's intentions at the shifting of two eyes or a protracted silence or an altered AIM profile (yes, you know some of you do that too)...except how can we ever know?

it all depends on which fiction you decide to believe in: the one you've written in your head, the murmurs of others, or the story you hear straight from the person about whom you were wondering. none of them are the whole truth. but if you gather up the courage to ask that one person, you'll at least know which story you're supposed to hear. and i still don't know whether that helps.

i've been making the same mistake over and over and over...
the only difference is that now i do it in silence.

i suspect it's always been more than i want it to be. at least on one end.

-
i love orson scott card. i love how he makes me think, what he makes me think, and the worlds he shows me. amazing. his science fiction goes so much further than the surface; it makes us see questions and ethics and issues in so many more angles than we usually do. and it's about life :) what he says about love just feels true:

...it isn't grand sweeping passions that I even expect to feel. Will the love I have for you be enough? To reach out to you when I'm in need, and to try to be here for you when you need me back. And to feel such tenderness when I look at you that I want to stand between you and all the world: and yet also to lift you up and carry you above the strong currents of life; and at the same time, I would be glad to stand always like this, at a distance, watching you...is it enough for you that I feel these loves for you? Because it's enough for me. And enough for me that when my hand touched your shoulder, you leaned on me; and when you felt me slip away, you called my name.
-Orson Scott Card, Children of the Mind

i can be such a sap. i've felt that before...and that scares me. because it doesn't seem like it's always enough.

* * *
"Losing my Religion" -REM

life is bigger
it's bigger than you
and you are not me
the lengths that i will go to
the distance in your eyes
oh no, i've said too much
i set it up

that's me in the corner
that's me in the spotlight
losing my religion
trying to keep up with you
and i don't know if i can do it
oh no, i've said too much
i haven't said enough
i thought that i heard you laughing
i thought that i heard you sing
i think i thought i saw you try

every whisper
of every waking hour i'm
choosing my confessions
trying to keep an eye on you
like a hurt, lost, and blinded fool, fool
oh no, i've said too much
i set it up
consider this
consider this
the hint of the century
consider this
the slip that brought me
to my knees failed
what if all these fantasies
come flailing around
now i've said too much
i thought that i heard you laughing
i thought that i heard you sing
i think i thought i saw you try

but that was just a dream
that was just a dream
that's me in the corner
that's me in the spotlight
losing my religion
trying to keep up with you
and i don't know if i can do it
oh no, i've said too much
i haven't said enough
i thought that i heard you laughing
i thought that i heard you sing
i think i thought i saw you try

but that was just a dream
try, cry, why try?
that was just a dream
just a dream, just a dream
dream