i'm not completely clueless. i know what's going on. ever think that you don't?

i don't like whining and complaining if you don't do anything about it and think only of yourself. venting is a little different because i believe that releases anger and annoyance; complaining usually demands sympathy and pity. maybe this makes me too self-contained, but why burden other people with your problems? you should handle them on your own, right? okay, there are times when you should share, and thank you to those who care enough to make me realize that sometimes.

anyway, feeling sort of off these days. body is unhappy with me--headache, eyes ache...odd. there's this feeling of constantly having phlegm in the back of my throat that doesn't come out too--yeah, you're welcome for that description. what really sucks is that i've lost a lot of my appetite. i liked food :(

and on a much happier note, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO BEA! i love you, honey. you were my best n**** roomie! such good times. you are so talented, caring...and sexy. oh yes. and what would i do without the obsession of you and eric? let's not forget the frogs either. taco bell soon...only the best ;)

-
so, so dry.

* * *
"No, Not Now" -Hot Hot Heat

oh no, she's not a secret now
but nobody cares
oh no, she's not a secret now
the wolves have smelled her scent

some of us wouldn't be lying if we said were trying too hard
but it all works out in the end
some of us would be trying too hard to begin lying
but... but it seems to all work out in the end

oh no, she's not a secret now
but nobody cares
oh no, she's not a secret now
the wolves have smelled her scent
oh no

nobody likes a child who complains and i won't be that child anymore
nobody likes a child who complains and i won't be that child anymore

some of us wouldn't be lying if we said were trying too hard
but it all works out in the end
some of us would be trying too hard to begin lying
but... but it seems to all work out in the end

oh no, she's not a secret now
but nobody cares
oh no, she's not a secret now
the wolves have smelled her scent
oh no

nobody likes a child who complains and i won't be that child anymore
nobody likes a child who complains and i won't be that child anymore

the fear of revealing too much...
it is so difficult to find people you feel safe enough to let inside, where the world is not pretty, smooth, and simple. you just don't want others to see the ugliness you sense is there.

thank you to my pledge sis and little sis. i can't understand such unwavering support and love at times, but don't ever think that i am not grateful for them. you are simply amazing, and so very dear to me. i hope i didn't freak you two out too much.

sometimes you just have to act out of character, against what you feel you should do. i don't ever want to disappoint those i truly care about. if i cannot meet what i think they expect, let them not know i failed. yet humans weren't made to be constant and consistent; we are not statues. having life allows us to be unpredictable. and i suppose it might even allow us to fail.

maybe i hide too well and do not articulate well enough right now. i don't think even i will completely understand what i mean if i read this later.

things need to happen. i'm not sure how i'm going to make them happen, but i'd better get an idea soon.