i suck! =( i totally and completely forgot to wish deb a happy birthday tonight when i saw her. first i was just so excited to see everyone (deb, jo, anthony, mike), and then the party ended really early since we had to shut it down so i went to clean up...and they were gone when i went to look for them. =( then i had to clean up puke. sort of made me forget everything except the foulness of barf. it was right in front of the bathroom too. geez.

so HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEB! i really do love you a lot even though i was so stupid tonight. and you looked hot tonight! (jo did too ;-) we'll party it up again over spring break, okay?

also: i received three interesting propositions tonight. couldn't agree to any of them. darn. i'd have a lot more fun (at the moment) if i had less control and inhibitions. plus i could be $200 richer! hahaha...

interesting issues meeting as usual, michelle. =) this one was about asian american body image issues, but the speaker (ashwini from the women's center) did a great job of showing the big picture...body image problems span so many ethnic groups, class divisions, genders, and so many other categories...it's just a tough subject. i was so surprised when ashwini said that 70% - 80% of the people who came to be interviewed for her research who had or do have eating disorders were asian women who had just come to the united states. there are always so many problems...and so many social stigmas in asian culture.

i'm having this huge mental block right now. i feel like i want to say something and it's floating around somewhere in the mess that is my brain...but it's not tangible at all. must be the good food in my stomach....it's confusing my brain since it's not used to un-crappy non-dining hall food anymore.

oh, tonight at the meeting, one of the activities ashwini asked us to do was to write down three things we thought we "should" do and three things we "want" to do. my three "shoulds" and three "wants" look almost exactly the same. it's just so difficult for me to distinguish between the two--is that necessarily bad? i feel as though this vagueness between what i feel i should do and what i want to do should be negative, but knowing what i should do determines what i want to do. or maybe they're just impossibly intertwined in my mind...i should make my mom proud, but i want to anyway. i should get into med school, but i want to be a doctor. i should be happy, and i want to be happy. well, i had another "should" but i don't want to put it here =)

i had real japanese food tonight! this is amazing. i will love sherman forever and ever. hahaha...thanks, sherman! plus i always have such interesting conversations with you. see, i'm not just using you for the food!

i just wanted to share my joyful food feelings since sherman says all my blogs can be broken down to academic concerns, extracurricular head-aches, and the woes of being single. i'm not that simple, am i? actually, those three subjects are basically my life, so i guess there's some validity to that. boo. i'm so easily generalized. but at least now you can say i talk about food too.

uh-oh...feeling the onset of food coma. this is not good...i still have an issues meeting to go to...now. =)

jo has a kickass new layout!

in other news, i was in major bummage fashion this morning and early afternoon. hair was all awry, my only clean sweatshirt had some drink stain that didn't come out the last time i washed it, and i had slapped on some glasses. it was just tremendously difficult to get up this morning...but i actually made it to my 10 o' clock! yay me! and i guess i'll clean myself up before my meetings and dinner tonight. whatever.

i'm happy =) jo and deb are coming to party with me on friday night! whee! i'm ridiculously excited =) i feel as if i haven't seen them in forever and i'm really sad about not being able to make deb's birthday dinner on saturday =( but i'll see them friday night...so come to /\-K on friday and you can see them too! ;-) i get too emoticon-happy when i'm happy. sorry.

i feel like i have a lot to write about, but i'm just too lazy to arrange my thoughts. that's probably because i've been awake since 2 am today. it's okay though, i did sleep from 9:00 pm till 2:00 am last night! and sherman fed me around 5:00 am at jack...thanks, sexy sherman! haha...you're so shady. so yeah, was doing my bio lab and pset...skipped all my classes to finish. cluster printer wasn't working (as usual) so i had to run to kimball's cluster to print since my printer is perpetually out of ink. boo. i was late as always to lab. plant bio was awesome though...the CAs are so relaxed. i don't think the CA who graded my paper even read what i wrote. 10/10! woohoo! besides, milo's hot. judy-fruity agrees. ;-) although he does have a rather odd laugh--it's more of a wheeze. but it works for him cuz he's just hot.

did you know that walking up stairs is incredibly uncomfortable when your jeans are soaked? don't think dirty thoughts. it was raining! =D so yeah, i walked ridiculously far tonight in the rain delivering tickets and junk after the RA informational meeting. then i ran into ms. judyoh in arroyo when i tried to go visit my lil sib except he wasn't in--we did our p-sis girltalk =) then henry came back and he even walked me to my next meeting...except it didn't exist! how annoying. no one was in the lounge except for two guys who were playing music (and were very good, by the way). so i just emailed the person in charge of the meeting--should be all good.

COME TO PAYBACK THIS SATURDAY or i will kick your ass! okay, i won't, but i'll be very sad. very, very sad. you don't want to see me very, very sad, do you?

when i'm this tired, everything i say and think is sort of mundane. and superficial. and disjointed. ah well, deal with it.

please, think of the kittens <--from henry. *cough*haha*cough*

whoa. so much to do as usual.

you know, i think i could handle all my responsibilities just fine if it weren't for classes and having to find a job. like that thought does any good.

screwed up yet another midterm. i was just not meant to get good grades this quarter. elections the night before, cramping like crazy for hours the day before that and the night before then...ugh. okay, i am resolved to study my ass off for finals...i will know everything inside and out, backwards and forwards, right and left, dorsal and ventral, proximal and distal, anterior and posterior---uh yeah. i was just practicing =)

my room is a pigsty. i'm worried what will happen if i don't get a job this summer. i biked back to the dorm crazy-fast after my midterm--wanted to get as far away from my failure as possible and phsyically destroy all my obstacles. if that makes any sense. makes sense to me so that's enough. although i am running on about an hour of sleep...i probably won't understand any of this later. hey, i have a whole lab to write tonight! i need to get my act together. i need to call home and assure my mum that i'm still alive. spring break is still too far away, but much, much too close (academically at least). come party with me for my birthday during spring break and buy me clothes. or shoes. or hell, just give me money. okay, i don't really mean that. i just want to see you during spring break. =)

ambivalence x 2. first, i can't decide whether i should feel horrible for making you feel this way and second, i can't decide whether i should feel horrible for not being able to decide in the first place. i never knew i could still retain this old bitterness. i guess i'll eventually apologize more sincerely but right now i just don't care enough. i have enough shit to deal with and i want to tell you to just tough it and stop moping. if you don't do anything active to get over it, how the hell are you ever going to get anywhere besides your room or the "sausage factory" that is your life? yeah, i'm feeling brash and selfish today. i'm tired of being sympathetic all the time. you got over me quickly enough--use that same freaking method to get over her. oh wait, i never meant that much anyway.

as long as i can still dream of you...

psst...here is another nice picture. just disregard the weird plastic thing they made him wear =D

yeahyeah, i'm getting a little obsessive. stop bothering me; this is one of the few pieces of eye candy i get these days.

i woke up with the sun this morning. it was an interesting change from going to sleep when the sun has already come up. maybe it had to do with going to bed at 7:30 last night. i didn't really get to sleep until hours later though--woman problems =P

i have discovered the secret to doing laundry: do it at 6 am and no one will be competing for machines.

i went to bed so early last night because i was dead tired from spending the whole day at the women's conference and carrying tables and junk. i have to say that we did an awesome job at the women's conference. =) vickie nam and phoebe eng were incredible speakers--so inspiring. i wish i had more time to talk to them, but i had my workshop to lead, things to clean up, yaddayadda. my mental health workshop was really interesting too. i had no idea that depression was so widespread in the asian american community. young asian american women have the highest rate of depressive symptoms out of all other ethnic gender groups, and asian american females between the ages of 15-24 have the second highest suicide rate behind native americans. asian american women over 65 have the highest female suicide rate among women across all ethnic groups, yet asian americans as a whole have the lowest utilization for mental health services. no one ever hears about these figures though because these are things you just don't talk about. no one wants anyone else to find out that their daughter killed herself or should see a psychologist--everyone will think she's "crazy". there is such a huge stigma in the asian american community on getting help--you are expected to "be strong," internalize all your problems, and never tell outsiders about your problems, but this results in so many more problems. the high expectations placed on asian american females by parents and themselves and from being a member of the "model minority" and trying not to bring shame upon the family greatly increase stress levels. a common thread heard throughout a study performed by the national asian women's health organization (NAWHO) was that many female asian american college students said they felt they lacked control in life decisions. there were many other posible reasons for these figures, but i don't really need to make this any more of a lecture. i'd just like to say it's okay to get help. and please rant and rave to people about your problems--you can say it's for your mental health. =)