went up to berkeley last night to party. externals everywhere. danced a little in the steamroom that was the "dancefloor" and chilled. nice little escape. i saw jason and james and jeffrey yu though! (wow, i know too many guys whose names begin with J) literally haven't seen jeffrey in years. *waves at jeffrey* no more fobbiness for you, eh? ;-)

woohoo! my sister's coming! i get to hang out with manada today. yes, i meant to spell it that way.

i'm so cynical and jaded and insecure these days. i don't know what the hell i should do or want to do. i don't know if i want to do anything. and it's not like i'm getting any help here.

epitome of an "i dunno" situation.

hey, it's sort of like a prisoner's dilemma! i should work out a strategy--tit for tat. or pavlov. or something. oh wait, that might require real communication.

i'm going to be so efficient this quarter! i have to, otherwise i'm going to DIE. and i'm not even exaggerating much when i say that. well, maybe i'll get an ulcer instead of dying. i've decided to just take 19 units--no need to be too masochistic. i'm sad though; that lecture series sounded so interesting!

i went to my first sapolsky lecture today. i'm so excited about that class! i'm such a dork! haha...but i'm not the only one. "it looks like a rock concert," said someone next to me as we entered. so true. it filled up the biggest lecture hall on campus and there were still people sitting on the stairs and in the aisles. a bunch will probably drop it or not show since lectures are online anyway *shrug*

being human is so inconvenient sometimes--all these random emotions that can stress you out and make your body react in the same manner as a "zebra being chased by a lion" as sapolsky likes to analogize. do you ever get these little moods of loneliness? just walking to class or the dining hall or something...and imagine if you really didn't have any friends or family. true loneliness would be unbearable. when people talk about being the last man/woman on earth and not having sex with someone they find extremely annoying even for procreation, i wonder if that would really be true. what else would be the point of living then? you might say you wouldn't reproduce with such-and-such now because in comparison to everyone else, he/she is a huge loser, but what happens once you can no longer make any comparisons? to be the very last person on earth left only with your thoughts would be torture. what would be the point of living? i don't think i could do it.

okay, i need to stop rambling and be efficient now. *click* efficiency on.

guys have it so easy. they don't menstruate or cramp or go through the ordeal of childbirth or deal with gender oppression. so erections can be embarrassing and there's morning wood and macho expectations and reverse discrimination, but you don't BLEED every month. besides, reverse discrimination is nothing in comparison to female sexual discrimation.

i was cramping like a mofo today. ugh. it affects work efficiency quite a bit since you can't really do much while writhing in pain. i used to think other girls who complained about cramps just had low pain tolerance or were weak until i started getting these nasty cramps. i'm sincerely apologetic now. maybe i need to give up on this not-popping-pills-to-prevent-drug-dependence philosophy. they say midol works wonders.

ooh, class tomorrow. so, 19 or 20 units? what do you think?

you know what cures little moods of sadness? looking at hot guys. eye candy!

even if you don't want to see my eye candy, that website's pretty amusing in itself. hey, it's titled "BASTARDISM*** @ JAY IS THE MAN" and the webmistress talks about "pooz". yeah, i have no idea. but jay chou looks hot in it! okayokay, jen says he looks dorky in real life, but since he's just eye candy, i can be selective about what i watch, so only jay chou music videos and no live interviews. there. and she says that when he raps and runs out of things to say, he starts counting in different languages. hehehe. at least he writes/produces his own music and can play piano/guitar/drums/cello? well anyway, his (sometime) hotness superficially cheered me up.

thus another quarter begins. can't wait. right.

leaving an empty house to go back to a dorm is sort of depressing. why does everything seem to be a mess?

* * *
I'm so, I'm so tired, I'm so tired of trying
It seems to me that maybe
It pretty much always means no
So don't tell me you might just let it go
And oftentimes we're lazy
It seems to stand in my way
'Cause no one, no not no one
Likes to be let down