i'm HOME! moving back home was a nightmare. two puny ha sisters do not make the best movers. i ended up having to go back by myself later that night to finish draggin stuff back home. then came my near-death experience with my bed. that sounds...odd. well, i ended up having to deloft my bed by myself, so i had three legs loose, but the last one was really stuck tightly. i finally braced one leg on the bottom frame and pulled--*crash!* the whole top frame, mattress, and wooden planks fell down (some of you may know how high my bed was lofted--let me assure you, it was damned high), and i cussed in a really girly voice. i was sort of embarrassed because i think that if you're going to cuss, you might as well do it in a tough, low voice--not a wimpy girly voice. but i guess it was just reflex. oh well. now i know that deep down, i am really just a dirty girly-girl. (kidding!) hey, at least my bed didn't fall on top of me. =D

i went to live 105's bfd concert with deb, alex, and steven today too. nicely burned now. ouch. highlights include second-hand smoke of all types, a disturbingly old couple getting freaky ("ew, her lipstick's all smeared...ack, now he has on more lipstick than her!"), and an audience member eating a twinkie from the goldfinger drummer's bare ass. yes, you read that correctly. that is an image that will not be leaving my mind for a while, unfortunately. anyway, we saw goldfinger, n.e.r.d., hoobastank, jimmy eat world, dashboard confessional, new found glory, cypress hill, papa roach, and p.o.d. whee! hoobastank and jimmy eat world made christina very happy. =) i lovelovelove jimmy eat world. they sound so good live! too bad bfd was not the right locale to play their slower songs like "hear you me" or "my sundown." but they played "if you don't, don't" and "sweetness" of course. sweet! papa roach is just incredible live too. their lead singer is crazy--way too much energy! makes for good entertainment though.

yet one thing i do not understand is the concept of moshing. it's just a bunch of guys who cannot dance running around banging into each other and stumbling into the people surrounding them. like they run into the mosh pit for the express purpose of ramming into each other--someone explain the motive to me please? it just looks like they're trying to kill each other and demonstrate their respective testosterone levels. however, one uplifting element of mosh pits is that they immediately help up anyone who falls down and make sure the mosh pit doesn't occur on dangerous broken gravel. uh...but they're still smashing into each other! i don't get it!

but overall it was good, clean fun? well, except for all the cigarette and pot smoke. and excessive cussing. and the twinkie in the ass. on second thought, my future children are never allowed to attend any concerts of this nature until they're 18. ;-) gonna go shower now and hope my face doesn't peel off.

* * *
are you going to live your life standing in the back looking around?
are you going to waste your time?
got to make a move or you'll miss out
someone is going to ask you what it's all about
stick around nostalgia won't let you down
someone is going to ask you what it's all about
what are you going to have to say for yourself?

i'm on my feet
i'm on the floor
i'm good to go
now all i need is just to hear a song i know
i want to always feel like part of this was mine
i want to fall in love tonight

crimson and clover, over and over
crimson and clover, over and over
our house in the middle of the street, why did we ever meet?
started my rock 'n roll fantasy
don't, don't, don't let's start, why did we ever part?
kick start my rock 'n rollin' heart

i'm on my feet
i'm on the floor
i'm good to go
so come on davey, sing me something that i know
i want to always feel like part of this was mine
i wanna fall in love tonight
here, tonight

sophomore year is officially over. i remember being so sad at the end of my freshman year--it felt like the summer was forever and things would never be the same. i suppose the latter was true...you can never quite relive the first year of college. this year, i just wanted it all to end. the important people in my life here whom i've still kept contact with during this insane year will still be important three months from now. i know who truly matters now~ survival of the fittest friends =) i only hope i've been there for them too.

deb, mar, and san came down here to take me out for a thai dinner last night. it gave me a taste of summer weekends back in fremont. =) i'm looking forward to a heavenly, drama-free (i hope) three months in my beloved, boring suburb. my life needs to downshift for a while so i can remember all the stupid little things that i love about living. i don't want to see the world flying by behind my window as i hurtle along whatever road i've convinced myself to follow anymore; i want to lie in the grass, breathe fresh air, and be content for a little while.

sorry, just feeling a bit relieved, reflective, tranquil...doesn't make for the most interesting blogging, but i wanted someplace to spread my thoughts. goodnight.

* * *
standing in the doorway of my life in this house
trying to find a way to get out
looking for a sign that i should open the door
this craziness is getting me down

but today is the day we break free
today is the day we break free

walking down the stairway to the traffic below
anything could happen, i know
hey but i'm sick of everybody telling me what to do
i hear you, hey, but i already know

'cause today is the day we break free
today is the day we break free

it's clear in my mind after all of this time
what i feel, my love
there are so many times that the sun doesn't shine
but i'm here, my love

and today is the day

maybe i should wait just a minute or two
it's getting cold now, i feel so insecure

the future is a mistress that is so hard to please
and the past is a pebble in my shoe

uh...i knew something was wrong when the salmon fillet was round. what the hell is this? it tastes like salmon sausage or some crap. i didn't even know...ugh i can't even think of a word disgusting enough to describe this. where has my vocabulary gone? =( anyway, not a happy dessert to the nasty force-fed meal that was my second final.

brandon's friends like to IM me. some of them think i'm amanda and ask if i'm 17. i tell them i'm 20. and then i feel old. "do you really go to stanford?" yes, dear, i do. my little brother has not been lying to you this whole time. i'm feeling so not nice. =( i shouldn't be talking to 10-year-olds when i'm in this mood. but i'm behaving. really.

ugh. i hate finals. i hate how they make me feel so lacking and incompetent. the last time i actually felt good about any tests was fall quarter this year. geez. what a long time to be a loser. i know it's all my fault too...i can't seem to make myself motivated anymore. now it's time for the quarterly avowal of improvement: i will be on top of things next year, i will get my shit done, i will excel again. if i say it enough, eventually it's going sink in, right? maybe i should take a different spin on it this time. i must work from now on to punish myself for my stupid failures these last two quarters. i deserve to be a miserable workhorse. no more fun unless it's forced upon me.

...like dinner tomorrow with some of my hot babes. haha...but only because they're making me! yes, that is what i'm going to tell myself. i guess i can't ever be completely miserable because i have wonderful friends. =) y'all know who you are. you're special *breaks into barney song* uh...right. *cough* i love you. now i'm going to go be depressed and cram.

hey, the appropriate plural of penis if conjugated in greek or something is penes. sounds like weenies to me. ahaha...i am so immature. thanks to dave:

Dave: a lot of people say penii
Dave: but that would be if penis was spelled penus
Dave: like cactus

so i'm watching a ton of hours of online lectures for behavioral bio right now...interesting stuff. the last two were on sexual behavior, and i have to say that after going over all that biological basis for sexual behavior and attraction, the nitty-gritty mechanical, genetic stuff, i'm still feeling inordinately sappy. i have no idea why...even after i heard about the insect species in which the male injects his sperm into the testes of another male so that when the second one mates, the first male's sperm fertilizes the female. you'd think that would make me get over any sappiness, right? oh well. just in a weird wistful mood maybe.

and here's the sex joke that kicked off my bio prof's lecture on sexual behavior:
it turns out there really are martians and they come to visit and they're really cool. we get along really well with them, each species has a lot of questions for the other, and it's all buddy-buddy. finally someone asks how the martians make more copies of themselves and of course they want to know about us too, so everyone decides to have demonstrations. they clear out a room, six martians stand on top of one another, their noses light up, there's smoke, lights, and out pops a new martian! the humans go "ooh" and "aah" and are suitably amazed. then it's their turn and they get two volunteers, clear out another room, and the two go at it. the martians think it's intriguing, very different, etc.
"but one thing, where's the new human?"
the humans say it'll take another nine months to actually have the birth of the new human.
"so why were they in such a hurry at the end?"

he's so funny. =) yeah, gonna go back to more online lectures and feeling sappy now.

* * *
if i fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
and if i get too tired to make it
be my breath so i can walk

if i need some other love
give me more than i can stand
and when my smile gets old and faded
wait around i'll smile again

shouldn't be so complicated
just hold me and then
just hold me again

can you help me i'm bent
i'm so scared that i'll never
get put back together

you're breaking me in
and this is how we will end
with you and me bent

if i couldn't sleep could you sleep?
could you paint me better off?
could you sympathize with my needs?
i know you think i need a lot

i started out clean but i'm jaded
just phoning it in
just breaking the skin